The Barnness of Sexitude. Clark is taking the barn apart, wondering if his dad might have holed up under a haystack or something. He hears something. "Dad?" he calls out. No, it's just Clark's daddy, Lex. Clark says he's checked every acre looking for his dad, and is going to hit the woods. Lex tells Clark that Papa Luthor was injured. Clark turns on a flashlight and shines it toward Lex, as if to say, "Be my thousand points of light, baby." Lex tells the story of his dad being pinned down, and how Lex hesitated. If there was going to be this much backstory in the episode, why even show those last-season clips at the beginning? Lex turns around and keeps talking about why he might have let his dad die. Clark says that saving him was what was important. Lex says that his dad won't see it that way: "Forgiveness is not in his emotional lexicon." Cute how he worked his own name in there. Clark asks what Lex is going to do. "Help my friend find his dad," Lex says. But before he does, he gives Clark's crotch a good once-over. Then another one. "You got another flashlight?" Lex asks. Boy, does he. Clark looks down at his own stuff and gives a little half-smile. It's a twofer. The Gayest Looks of the Episode.
Some undisclosed time later...Lex and Clark are swinging their mighty "flashlights" through a thicket in the woods. Clark calls out, "Dad!" Lex calls out for "Mr. Kent." Luckily, I've got my new Region-Free Gaydar. If any foreign men should pop out of the trees, it should pick them up. Lex looks around with his mouth hanging open a bit. Aw, TMJ is a bitch, huh? Suddenly, a drop of blood falls and spoils the empty expanse of his dome. Lex touches it and looks up. There's a Ford, crashed and suspended, in a tree above. I thought it was blood, but now that I think of it, I suppose it could be motor oil. Blood would have been much cooler, though. Lex and Clark both flash their lights up. Don't cross the streams! Clark asks whether Lex knows who the car belongs to. Lex lies and says he doesn't. He adds that they can cover more ground if they split up. Clark agrees to meet Lex in half an hour. Ooh, nighttime picnic! Lex is doing that open-mouth thing again. He walks off.
Inside the crypt of manly men, Bo is lighting up a bunch of candles on little mini-candelabras. Candles? Silver? Did they stumble into Liberace's tomb or something? Oh, and why do you need to light three candles? Doesn't that just burn off oxygen you might need later? Nixon is digging around looking for something. He says he's seeking his cell phone. "It's our only hope," Nixon says. I can barely get my phone to work next to a window in my house. Do you really think your cell phone is going to get a signal underneath a trailer? As Bo lights more oxygen-sapping candles, Nixon bitches that he's not going to get to write the single greatest news story ever. As he lights, Bo says he's not going to let his son be exploited. They're hating, but it's so casual it's like they've having a domestic squabble. Nixon asks what Bo was going to do after he'd chased Nixon down. I push back the dirty thoughts. They start to overlap as Bo yells that Nixon was trespassing on his property. Oh, and making his son blow up. That was bad, too. Nixon calls Clark "the most amazing being on Earth," and says it with lots of emphasis. Hey, Nixon. Have you checked out Lex lately? Nixon makes a fairly good argument for showing Clark off to the world. Bo says that Clark can decide that when he's ready. Nixon starts getting under Bo's skin, talking about reasons they kept Clark. We know, Bo. It was a narrow urethra. Nixon laughs: "He's not your son, you deluded hick! He's not even human!" Bo takes a really long pause, then turns and punches Nixon square in the face. Go Bo Duke! Nixon says tha Bo can kill him if he wants (thank you, he may), but that Nixon's right; Bo's son's destiny is too big for Bo to comprehend. Bo picks Nixon up for another thrashing. Nixon tells Bo that Clark belongs to the world. Like sidewalks, I guess. Nixon's phone suddenly rings. I was hoping the ring tone would be "Peter Gunn." Nixon scrambles away and answers the phone. It's Lex! Nixon calls out the bald one's name. Bo gets mad and grabs the phone, throwing it against the wall. "You stupid son of a bitch!" Nixon yells at Bo. And who among us has not thought the same thing? Bo says he wanted to get out of the crypt until he realized Nixon was "in bed with Lex Luthor." That's a real quote. I choke back my drink. Now Bo says he'd rather die there than let Nixon and Lex destroy Clark's life. But if Bo is dead, can't Lex destroy that life himself above ground? Oh, Bo. The lack of oxygen has already addled your not-great-to-begin-with thinking.