Vortex (2)

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admin: B- | Grade It Now!
Suck: The Aftermath

Damn, y'all. That vacation went by fast. Faster than a speeding bullet. Faster than a Smallville High jockstrap. Faster than a Lexmobile on a bridge. Faster than the increase in subscriptions to The Advocate in Smallville when Lex and his crew came to town.

When last we left our leafy little hamlet, Lex and his dad were about to be impaled by a dangerous object; Lana was about to be taken for a wild ride; and huge currents of ravaging crosswinds were poised to wreak havoc and destruction. And all this was just inside Clark Kent's pants.

We begin Season Two ("Season of The Sexy") with a set of clips from last season. Clark's truck blows up. A sneaky reporter named Nixon found Clark's ship and its octagonal missing piece. Lex got all bloody-eyed. Jocko Whitney left the show to go be one of the few, the proud, the unceremoniously dumped by the WB. Oh, and this big-ass tornado was going to kill everything. Who wants pie?

"Vortex" opens on a cloudy day with Clark's old spaceship hauling ass across green fields, toward a huge tornado. There's no rain right now, which seems to go against the whole dark clouds/big tornado scene. Rain must cost extra to animate. The spaceship -- which, I'm told looks just like a black ravioli -- sails into the funnel cloud and straight up. There's debris and lightning everywhere. The ship gets struck by lightning, loosening that little octagon piece, which flies away in a burst of cheap electrical fire. So, let me get this straight: This ship can survive interstellar travel, survive being co-pilot in a huge meteor attack, and make it through the perilous journey through Earth's atmosphere, but it can't survive a Farmer Ted-grade bolt of lightning? If we're ever attacked by aliens, all we'll have to do is rub our shoes on some deep carpet and touch them. More flying crap. I think I see some rejected second-season script pages in here somewhere. Suddenly, the red truck Lana was driving is sailing toward us. Lana is in the truck. The dumb-ass has her hands locked on the steering wheel. No, Lana! Don't steer away from the funnel! She ducks onto the floorboard, and a door suddenly swings open and flies away. And then, there's Clark! He's somehow gotten a haircut and a tan in the twenty seconds it took to get up to the funnel cloud (he's a super groomer, I suppose), and he's hanging from the truck's driver's-side door area like he's The T-1000 from T2. He climbs into the truck. No big thang. Lana watches him. Clark is making lots of fuck faces as he struggles to hang on. Everything is shaky, and I get flashbacks to "Jitters." Clark climbs on top of Lana, who is lying face down, and it's suddenly oh so very wrong. The car is stripped clean of its doors, hood, and outer body. This would only be impressive to anyone who hasn't lived in a city big enough to support a thriving chop shop industry. Clark hangs on to Lana. He bellows. Lightning strikes. Better watch out, Clark. Maybe you've got the same crappy vulnerability to lightning that your spaceship did.

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