Once upon a time, a magician named John Zatara cursed a Warrior Angel comic book so that it would turn whoever first read it into a superhero, and then into a supervillain at the first sign of betrayal. For, you see, John himself was betrayed when his comic book idea was stolen and the curse was meant for the publisher! Many ages passed before the heretofore unread comic book showed up in a fantasy land known as MetCon, populated by such mythical characters as Lois Lane, Chloe Sullivan and John's daughter, Zatanna. One day, a snot-nosed little brat decided he wanted this comic book, so he just stole it like the snot-nosed little brat that he was. Upon reading it, he was suddenly transformed into a very hunky young man with superpowers. He used his powers to rescue the fair Chloe Sullivan from danger, who was smitten with him from the start. He introduced her to magical things such as Xbox games and flying. She very nearly introduced him to adult-themed merriments, but luckily Zatanna teamed up with the heroic Clark Kent to track down this man-boy before any vomit-inducing merriments could occur. Alas, fair Chloe tried to convince the man-boy-hero to turn himself over to Zatanna so she could turn him back into a mere boy, which enraged him and transformed him into a blue-veined villain who tried to kill her. Zatanna worked the spell to revert the boy to his true form, but not before fair Chloe was flung from a high roof! Down and down she plummeted. Lo and behold, Clark Kent whooshed up to save her. The snot-nosed little brat of a thief wept and apologized and everyone hugged him and loved him and gave him words of encouragement.
Elsewhere, in a distant realm known as "Sub Plots," Lois was rendered momentarily jealous by Clark and Zatanna's seeming closeness, but all was forgiven and the damsel Lois and Clark Kent lived happily ever after... for now. But what's this? There's another romantic plot brewing? Hark! It is the Emerald Archer, Oliver Queen, who comforts Chloe with archery lessons and sweet, sweet words of flirtation. What manner of mystical crappery is this? Stay tuned for the full recap to find out.
The show opens in the midst of a comic book convention that a large banner helpfully identifies as MetCon. The convention floor teems with young men and women in costumes of varying levels of geeky fervor. One girl seems to be dressed as a sexy Tin Man, others look like generic anime characters. There's a guy who's dressed like the Green Arrow, but more like the one from the comics than the one from the show. My eye is drawn to a large statue of some unnamed and mostly naked hero because he has no crotch. Comic book male superheroes are known to have rather smooth and homogeneous packages, but this guy has nothing at all. His waist sits directly atop his thighs and he seems to raise his fist heavenward as if to cry, "Why have you cursed me with this wienerless existence?!" The camera focuses on a mop-topped boy wearing a Warrior Angel shirt and denim jacket, a backpack slung over his shoulders. He gazes around in awe. I wonder if they shot any footage at an actual convention? If not, the set and props departments deserve major kudos for the faithful recreation. The boy's attention focuses on the Warrior Angel booth. Warrior Angel, as you might recall from earlier seasons, is bald like Lex. He's actually the spitting image of Lex, if Lex ate nothing but raw eggs and steroids. He runs over to a display case that holds a super old, super rare Warrior Angel comic book. Ah, the good old days. Remember when comic books used to cost 10 cents? Yeah, me either. The comic's cover promises to reveal Warrior Angel's secret origins. The boy asks the booth operator, "Hey, Harry, is it true no one's ever read it before?" He says he read on the Internet that no one knows what the Warrior's secret battle cry is. Well, it probably sucked balls, if he didn't repeat it in any future issues. [What kind of crappy battle cry isn't ever spoken in public? Also, ignoring the fact that somewhere out there is an old dude who almost certainly has read this comic before, and that the Internet is made for disseminating that kind of information, hasn't this publishing company ever heard of a reprint? Or are they just never going to tell anyone their incredibly popular character's origin ever again? - Zach] The boy begs to have a look, but Harry gently scolds him. If anybody opens the book, the value drops. No one's so much as opened it before? It could be full of blank pages or cigarette ads for kids! Harry opens the case to lovingly dust the sealed comic. "Besides," Harry says, "there's nothing in that fantasy world that's going to make a lick of difference in the real world." [Yes, because that is the philosophy of most comic book fans and dealers. - Z]