Smallville
Witness

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Witless

Dark road at night. Some Tim Roth-lookin' dude is driving a white van. Two sets of legs are walking down the road. Creepy music plays. The feet turn, and we see that whomever those two sets of feet belong to are holding crossbows. Crossbows? Am I watching Xena by accident? The two street punks are wearing shiny alien masks that remind me of the cool PC cases that Alienware makes. Mmmm, Alienware. The two "aliens" stand facing the approaching van. They spread out. They let the van pass between them as Poor Man's Tim Roth looks at them, confused. They turn and shoot their crossbows at the van. Each of them nails a side of the van. They pull and somehow manage to flip the van so that it lands upside down. Huh? It looked like they each hit the side of the van. Wouldn't that just strip side of the van off? Did they each hit an axle or something? They delight in having flipped the van, and run over to it. An SUV approaches to help them. Just then, Clark drives up in the red truck. He comes over to see what evildoing is...um, doing. The alien dudes tell Clark to get away from them. Clark tries to grab one of them. He sees that one of them has a class ring. I can't tell from the lighting, but I think it's one of those red class rings that makes people fun. It must be that because the guy is able to shove Clark away. Clark comes back, and another guy grabs part of the van and swings it at Clark. Clark goes flying, and not in the good way. He lands in some planks. Clark x-rays and notices that one of the aliens seems to have a rectangular strip of something in his skull. The three guys load something from the van onto the waiting SUV as Clark watches. They drive off. Clark just sits there. Maybe he wants to enjoy the opening credits, which follow.

The In-Laws is my choice for "most painful to watch" trailer of the summer movie season. Albert Brooks, you had better have a good excuse for this one. And stop yelling. It hurts me.

Kent Farm at night. There's a tractor out front with the letters "MF" on the side. Sexy muthafuckin' tractor? In the Barnness of Whatthefuckhappened?-tude, Bo and Clark are trying to come up with some answers to the crossbow débacle. Clark is stunned because "it hurt. It actually hurt." Welcome to my world, Clark. Bo asks what Clark told the police. Clark says he booked it before they arrived. Bo says that Clark witnessed a crime. Clark says he was afraid to incur the wrath of Sheriff Fancy Feast. And Clark's ID of the guy's plate in his head wouldn't be easily explained. Clark also noticed that the guy had a class ring, so he must go to Smallville High. Bo and Clark share a moment over that earthshattering revelation.

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Smallville

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