Smallville
Witness

Episode Report Card
Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Witless

High-school hallway. Sneaky Pete is writing something on the inside of his locker door and explaining that just because the guy has a class ring doesn't mean he's a current student. Clark is squinting at everyone who walks by, and we hear the x-ray vision sound effect. Clark probably tells people that he just had LASIK. Lana walks by just then, stops, gives Clark a smile, and walks into a classroom. Pete acknowledges the Lana ship finally coming in for Clark. It's a pink ship with a broken rudder that makes it sail in circles. Pete says he's never seen Lana so happy. Clark attributes it to Lana's biological daddy "stepping up." It's good to do that, even if it is more than sixteen years after he "spermed up." Better late step than never step. Clark sees a thick blond guy at a lock in a letterman jacket. He's Zachery Ty Bryan from the Home Improvement brood that also produced Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but since I never really watched that show, I don't recognize him. Clark x-rays him and sees the telltale metal plate in his head. "Pete. Who's that guy?" Clark asks. Like Pete hasn't heard that before. Pete says that Clark needs to pick up a sports page. Clark seems very intent on that sports page.

Baseball field. A huge "Home of the Crows" sign is up, and we see Mr. Home Not So Improved Since I Can't Remember It wearing a baseball helmet and wielding a bat. He uses an asthma inhaler full of what looks like a Midori sour and inhales it. Nobody seems to notice. He asks for some heat. Across the plate. A coach puts some heat into a pitching machine. Sammy So-So hits it. Outta the park! Holy cow! It lands hard on the ground next to Pete and Clark, who are on the outside of the baseball field fence. "Nice swing," Clark says. And he knows from swingin'. Pete breathlessly informs Clark that Sammy So-So has the highest batting average in Smallville history. Pete says that Sammy helped the school to attract scouts, and to get corporate sponsorship. Of course, this is strange because the guy used to suck. "What do you mean?" Clark asks, suddenly all curious. Pete says that they used to play in Little League together. Don't ball players usually get better after Little League? Clark asks how he went from "zero to hero." Yes, folks, you too can be a writer for the show if you can come up with gems like that. Clark suggests that the guy may be using drugs of some sort. Sammy spots Clark and Pete with an open-mouthed look that can only be described as "touched by God," as some people like to say in the South. (As in, "That boy's a little slow. He's got a bit of 'The Touch,' if you know what I mean.") Sammy sends a ball flying right toward Clark and Pete. It hits the scoreboard and sends sparks flying. Clark is all, "I can do that." Sammy smiles and snorts in the direction of Clark and Pete.

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Smallville

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