Smallville
Witness

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Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Witless

A computer screen with a page from the front page of the Smallville Ledger. It's got a picture of Sammy So-So with the headline "Chemistry Lab Explosion." Can I buy a verb for the Ledger, please? Clark reads that Sammy used to be an honors chemistry student. He was in an explosion at Kansas State University chemistry camp. This one time, at chemistry camp, I became a Krypto-villain. Clark surmises that's how the guy got the plate in his head. Ya think? Pete asks why the guy knocked over (literally) a Luthorcorp truck. Chloe walks in wearing a somber jacket. She says she thought Clark quit the Torch. Clark says he's cleaning his desk. Pete didn't know about this. "Apparently I can't be counted on," Clark says, in a wholly assholish way that somehow implies that this is Chloe's fault. Fuck you, Clark. Fuck you blue, man. "I didn't know quitting was an option," Pete says. Chloe is standing right next to him. "Funny," she says, bitterly. Pete ruins that by saying, "Tough crowd," and excusing himself. Chloe notices the printouts. What is up with her shirt? It looks like some hoodlums spraypainted her with a mural. Chloe asks why Pete and Clark are interested in Sammy. Clark says it doesn't matter. Chloe tries to reason with Clark. "All I do is disappoint you," Clark says. No, all you do is blow deadlines and moon over the robot girl. Chloe points out that Clark drops everything for Lana with no regard for anyone else. "I thought this wasn't about Lana," Clark says. Chloe says that it's not. Clark says that whenever he's with Lana, Chloe looks at him like he's cheating on her. Chloe stops, hurt, and then backs up and says that Clark is wrong and that if that's what he thinks, maybe they shouldn't hang out anymore. Chloe really needs to stop making ultimatums, because Clark is too stupid to dismiss them like a sane person would. Clark grabs his shit and leaves. Chloe isn't happy.

Prelude to a flaming ass. Clark notices Sammy driving off from the baseball field. He follows. We see Sammy pull up to a warehouse. Inside, there's fire, the yellow SUV from before, and thugs at work on Powerade-looking meteor-rock juice. Sammy's boys are getting ready to take their product to the streets. Sammy says he needs some for when a major league scout comes out to see him. "Well then, you can make the next batch," says one of his sidekicks. Sammy uses some metal tongs to grab a cup, and places it in the huge fire. Outside, Clark sees two of the young toughs leave He sneaks inside. He watches Sammy pour his green goo into vials. But, of course, Clark gets caught from behind. (Isn't that always the way?) Clark can't break free from their grips, so they must be under the kryptonite influence. Sammy takes off his gloves and comes over. Clark accuses him of robbing the truck. Sammy slurps down some liquid rock through his inhaler. He breaths out green vapor. He punches Clark square in the face. Ow. Clark's lip is bleeding. Sammy gives a speech about having everything he wants and not giving it up for anyone. Oh, and he adds that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is totally gay, by the way. Sammy notices that Clark has seen their huge supply of enhancement drinks. Clark says he knows what the stuff can do to people. Sammy isn't having it. He throws Clark against a wall. The toughs pick Clark up. They're not happy that Clark knows their secret. Sammy opens the door to the mill fire pit. It's hot! They throw Clark in there, face first. They close the door, gather their stuff, and get out of the there. Very dramatic music plays. In the foundry fire, we see a hand touch a window. Then the door of the thing blows out. Fire! A naked figure walks out, bare foot first on the ground. Close-up on Clark, who has some burns on his face. The burns fade away as he heals. We go behind Clark and see his naked torso and ass licked by the hot flames behind him. It's...an ass...An ass...of FIRE! Behold the great Clark ass fire of total flaming greatness! I don't care who looks at whom in this episode. This is the Gayest Anything of the Episode.

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Smallville

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