Smallville
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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Slash-o-Vision

Outside, Lex is running as if he's in the lost scene from Reservoir Dogs. Crap rock music is back. Lex barrels ahead, running into a short blonde woman and making her and the yellow flowers she's carrying spin. As he runs, Clark Kent is walking over from the other direction. He sees Lex, and they bang into each other, Lex's hand and elbow run across Clark's chest, lingering at the nipple. "Lex, what's going on?" Clark asks. "Get out of the way," Lex growls, baring his teeth again, and flinging Clark with his nipply arm. Clark is flung into a store window, and lands on racks of sunglasses. As he gets up from his fall, Clark seems to smile, as if to say, "Oh, that crazy Lex!" Clark looks up, and suddenly his vision changes to something out of Predator. He sees an x-ray view of Lex, only his inner body seems to contain deposits of little green patches. Plot device? Thy name is kryptonite. Clark looks all spooked. The skeleton looks around and then takes off. Clark's vision returns to normal, but his eyes are still wide with fear.

Inside the dimmest antique store you've ever seen, a mommish blonde woman carrying the same red backpack Lex had is running up a set of stairs, breathing hard. A girl comes out of a bathroom with her hair wet and a towel wrapped around her neck; she bears a passing resemblance to Alyssa Milano. Blonde Mom confronts Alyssa with the backpack; she pulls up a stack of bound money and asks, "Tina, where did you get this?" Creepy Daughter replies, "Promised I'd solve all of our problems," and walks right past Mom. "Tell me you didn't rob the bank yesterday," Mom says. So a day has passed. Got it. "I didn't," Creepy Girl says. Then, as Mom watches in horror, she morphs with bone-crushing sound effects into Lex. "Lex Luthor did," s/he says in Lex's voice. Wait. Where did her hair go? And how did she change her voice like that? And why is she wearing the same shirt-towel combo that Lex wore last week? It must be hard being as sexy as Lex because Shapeshifta' Girl morphs back into her long-haired self. "Stop it! Stop it, Tina!" Mom says, reminding Shapeshifta' that she'd promised not to creep her out like that anymore. They argue about the bank robbery, with Shapeshifta' saying that now the two of them can afford to have the perfect life. Perfect except for the whole creepy shapeshifting thing, of course. "Nobody's life is perfect," Mom says. And taking a page right out of Single White Female, Shapeshifta' Girl says, "Lana's is." Uh oh. She's what, Lana's fifteenth stalker since the show started? Mom's not having this Forbidden Lana Love. She tells Shapeshifta' that she's taking the backpack back, and will tell the bank she found it in a dumpster. The two of them start arguing and pushing each other back and forth. Before you can say Death Becomes Her, Mom has been pushed down the stairs and broken her neck. "Mom!" Shapeshifta' yells, but it's too late. She has officially become the Villain of the Week. Shapeshifta' looks around in panic, but Mom is really, really dead. Shapeshifta' runs over the phone and calls 911 as she looks into a mirror that was cracked in Mom's Great Fall. She stares at herself in the mirror, and when the 911 dispatcher answers, Shapeshifta' begs off and hangs up the phone. Now she's really a Villain of the Week.

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Smallville

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