Smallville
X-Ray

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Omar G: B | Grade It Now!
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Opening credits. Somebody save me from this song.

Kent Farm. We actually see animals on it this time. Note: this is the first time on Smallville that we've seen anything resembling actual farming activity. MamaKent is holding up a copy of the Smallville Ledger. The banner headline reads, "Lex Luthor robs bank." Sigh. First off, even a small-town newspaper won't be in business very long if it goes around libeling people like that on the front page. Lex is a robbery suspect until he is proven guilty in a court of law. And even saying bullshit like "alleged bank robber" is no protection against libel, because you're only quantifying the noun "robber." Any Mass Communications Law professor will tell you the same. ["Yeah, like a Mass Communications Law professor is watching Smallville." -- Wing Chun] Thus ends the libel rant. "Why would Lex Luthor need to rob a bank?" MamaKent asks, craning her neck around to watch the vast manliness that is Bo Duke as he circles the breakfast table behind her. "I've seen some pretty strange things in my day, but this definitely takes the cake," Bo Duke says. Then he sees Clark. "Well, almost," he adds. It's like Bo is connected to a Stupid Faucet that spouts gallons of inanities into his mouth. MamaKent says that $100,000 was stolen. "I know Lex. It wasn't him," Clark says confidently. For no reason at all, and definitely not for homoerotic reasons, Tracy Chapman's song "For My Lover" pops into my head. Bo Kent reminds Clark that he saw Lex with his own eyes. "I don't know what I saw," X-Ray Boy tells him. MamaKent says she hopes there's a logical explanation.

"Me too," we hear, and there's Lex standing outside the screen door. "I'd hate to think I have an evil twin." Lex leaves his mouth hanging open at that last word, like Mike Myers when he does Dr. Evil. Bo Duke fixes Lex with a reproachfully stern, manly, manly look. You could start a bar brawl with a look like that. "Lex, we didn't hear you pull up," MamaKent says. "May I come in?" Lex asks, but he's already walked into the house. "I promise I'm not packing heat," Lex says, holding his hands out. Oh, man. I am so not touching that line, lest I get more angry emails. "How come you're not in jail?" X-Ray Boy asks, probably envisioning the most prurient moments from Oz. Lex says it's because he was hosting two hundred people at a fertilizer seminar in Metropolis at the time of the robbery. Bullshit! I am, of course, speaking only about the subject of the seminar. Bo asks whether the police have any leads. He seems severely disappointed that Lex won't be doing hard time. Lex says that the police have no leads, but that X-Ray Boy is on the witness list. Clark says that the person he saw looked just like Lex. Lex says that the person's signature and fingerprints didn't match Lex's. MamaKent looks on with puckered lips. Lex asks X-Ray Boy whether his eyes might not have been playing tricks on him. He fixes Clark with a stare of inquisition. Clark ignores the question and asks what's going to happen. Lex says that he hopes the money will turn up, but that the tabloids will have a field day. He adds, "Certain people's opinions of me will be cemented in stone." Lex slyly looks over at Bo Duke when he says this. Bold little guy, Lex is. Bo does an ugly mock smile, then says, "I gotta go to work." Oh, yeah. On that "farm" of yours. Lex says he's sorry Clark got thrown through a plate-glass window. "I promise I'm not a criminal mastermind," Lex tells Clark, and I am reminded of Ike Turner. Naw, baby, I didn't rob no bank! Tina, come back! "A criminal mastermind would have worn a mask," Clark says, and then smiles slyly, giving Lex the Gayest Look of the Episode (we call it the "Gayle" Award on the forums). Lex smiles back. Love, love, LOVE!

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Smallville

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