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The Zone Diet
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

MAN, that was a good summer I just had, but it was also life-changing. After that crazy night cruisin' and partyin', the group went its separate ways. One person went off to college. My best friend stayed in town. One of the gang was killed two years later by a drunk driver, and another went missing in Vietnam. As for me, I went to Canada to avoid the draft and became a writer. And now here I am. I don't think I'll ever forget them.

We open on the face of a young Latina sitting in a fancy New York City lobby, looking nervous. She fidgets with her lips, which lie in front of two sets of metal braces on her teeth. A blaring yellow title card reads Ugly Betty. Oh, SNAP! Wrong channel!

Over on The WB, it's...Desire? What the fuck!?

Oh! Right! CW! channel is that? Channel 2! Cheesy promos. Pretty young thangs posing for the camera. This must be the place. What's with all the green? Did they sacrifice the blood of Michigan J. Frog to make this network? Apparently, The CW's catchphrase for now is "Everybody wants you." Yeah? Well, then, explain my high-school years. The episode is in HD "where available," which ain't here.

We get right into it, with Clark watching the Earth float away as he mopes from his glass prison in space. You know, even out of the Earth's orbit, that jacket is still unfashionable. Clark looks like he's going to cry. He bangs both fists on the surface of the glass. "Elaine! Elaine!" It's really hard to stop a wedding from way up here. Clark gives up easily. He looks down and sees weird jagged fragments on the floor of his tiny flat prison cell. He presses his foot on an empty space and makes time/space wobble. See, that's what really sucks about using space contractors. They always forget to install a floorboard or put the right kind of "whoosh" noise on the automatic doors of your spaceship. If you wanna do space travel or space prison construction right, you've gotta hire some Mexicans. Seriously. Clark suddenly falls through the apparently ginormous crack, and tunnels down a jagged hole. It's not the first time. It's a lot like Being John Malkovich, but instead of landing next to the New Jersey Turnpike, Clark lands on the washed-out metallic-camera-filter desert set of Pitch Black. He rolls down a sandy hill. Clark's got a bloody lip and a dusty Members Only jacket. He stands up and looks around. This place suuuuucks. Clark squints. He begins climbing a hill. He makes it over that hill. Hey, Clark, I bet some Jawas would give you a good deal on your watch. Maybe you can buy a droid. Clark keeps walking. Something whizzes behind Clark, and close to the camera. Clark stops and turns. "Hello!" he calls. "Dink dink!" the Jawas call back. "Is anyone there?" Clark yells, echoing. He keeps walking. Some Predator-looking thing rushes behind him and knocks Clark down. It keeps flying every which way, attacking him. It's cutting him up, but good. This monster's pretty bad-ass! The thing finally grabs Clark by the head with its gnarly, giant hands, and climbs on his back. It throws him down again and wrestles with Clark on the blasted ground. Another one joins in. It's two desert wraiths in nicely done CGI. Someone standing nearby fires a phaser that shoots blue light at the creatures. They scatter. The phaser -- which is actually a small crest -- keeps firing at Clark, but he's unaffected. The person -- who is wearing desert gear from head to toe -- is a woman. We can tell from her pretty eyebrows. Clark thanks her as he struggles to his knees. The woman rears back and kicks him right in the face. The point after! The woman takes off part of her burka. And she'! Who could have guessed? "Welcome to The Phantom Zone," she says coldly. Yeah, welcome to the PZ, bitch! I'm thirsty, so I'm wishing it was the Fanta Zone.

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