Episode Report Card
Sara Brady: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
Maybe This Time

Michael corners Julia onstage in the dark to say again that he only came to Boston because he thought Julia needed him. She says she knows, and he completely reverses direction from last week (which, let's remember, in the show is only two days ago) and says he won't pursue her. He explains that he told his wife about their sordid affair and she left him and took their adorkably named spawn with her to Seattle, where now he'll surely become a snowboarder who gives the theater kids wedgies.

Here's one thing I don't understand: They go to all the trouble of Marilyn's infinite platinum wigs but don't bother to tint Michael Swift's hair? He's dirty blond, and DiMaggio, you know, not so much. Come on, show. Of course, Shrek chooses this moment to wander into the theater and see Julia with her hand on Michael's arm. He stalks out and she chases after him, because we are all very, very interested in the state of the Houstons' marriage.

I will not lie, gentle readers, I have watched the Rock of Ages trailer four times. I am unironically excited about it.

Julia catches up with Shrek and they have the millionth permutation of the "This wasn't anything"/"I know but I'm still jealous"/"It's over I promise"/"I don't believe you" conversation, and both actors are putting everything they have into it, but we've seen this so many times that I am almost relieved when Dull Leo interrupts them, saying he bought his parents lunch. Because that is something that a 17-year-old who's forced to spend his spring break at his mom's job would cheerfully do.

Tom comes in and asks Derek to hold rehearsal while he and Julia finish polishing the song. Derek is being even more grotesquely condescending with Tom than usual, and I give Tom all the credit in the world for not slapping him in rage. Derek calls everyone to get in costumes for "Never Met a Wolf."

Out in the lobby, Tom is having a controlled freakout and Julia is taking the mealy platitudes she just mouthed to Shrek about how the good that remains in their marriage outweighs the bad and putting them in the closing song.

Karen's quick change into her "Wolf" costume just isn't working. She misses her entrance and Derek hollers at her. She comes out on stage in her underwear, dress in hand, and says she's trying. He grins and they go into the song. And it's a great song, but the lyric "When a girl gets curvy and the boys all drool" just doesn't work with Karen in the lead role. Katharine McPhee is a lovely girl, but curvy she ain't. Ivy watches from the wings and she flashes back to the first time we saw this song, when they performed it in Derek's apartment to impress Nick Jonas. The choreography, all dancing army boys and big lifts and throws for Karen, is gorgeous and so fun.

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