So I guess it's time to talk about Julia's subplot. Julia's sad, unpleasant, unsympathetic, drain on the rest of the show subplot. She's been a total mess ever since that insane kiss last week. She can't write new scenes! She's fucking up pancakes! (And of course, her face is covered with pancake batter, because this bitch can't even deal with one thing in life.) She acts insane when Frank returns from his wherever he went, and Leo is being all surly (which I guess is the same as he always acts, but still, he refuses to eat Julia's pancakes of deception). At work, Michael starts to behave like a real psycho, obsessively trying to pull Julia aside and talk about the kiss, while Julia looks like she's having a nervous breakdown. This show is really making me appreciate the comedic talent of Debra Messing, because as a pure dramatic actress, she is not bringing anything to the table.
Julia ends up confessing the kiss to Tom, who is scandalized, but would probably rather discuss that than his legendarily boring relationship with John, who this week invites Tom over for a wine party with his closest friends. Said friends are those stereotypically Boring Gays (isn't it progress that there is now a stereotype for Boring Gays? I actually think it is), who snooze on about P-town real estate and then subtly try to undermine Tom by informing him that John only came out to his mother in the past year. Even Tom is bored to tears by this storyline, so he jumps at the chance to go rescue Ivy, who is seeing a blue-painted Rachel Dratch on her ceiling or whatever. When he gets there, he finds Straight Sam also there, and they both take care of their diva, who neglects to correct Tom when he assumes Straight Sam is straight (Sam doesn't bother correcting him either). When Tom worries that Ivy is falling apart, he texts Karen at her bar mitzvah and tells her to be prepared to step in.
What's that? Yeah, Karen's performing at a bar mitzvah. I know, it totally makes sense. Actually, it's a gig that gets passed down from Ivy to Jessica to Karen, and Karen could use the money, even if the credit card bill she's freaking out over is hilariously miniscule in comparison to the other ensemble players. So Karen frazzles her way into the bar mitzvah, super late, forgets the words to "Hava Nagila," and obsessively checks her texts. But that doesn't mean she can't BRING IT and get the Jewish pre-teens of Long Island on their feet. And this is where I was sure that Smash was doing things to hurt me, because they have Karen do Florence + the Machine's "Shake It Out," which is only the song I'm living for at the moment, and I have to see Karen damn Cartwright throw it in my face. The rendition is fine, if truncated in that American Idol way, and a pale comparison to Florence, but the fuck-you comes when the bar mitzvah audience starts dancing in a semi-organized (if listless) manner, boredly shaking out their hands when Karen hits the chorus. And then she sings "here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road"?? Screw EVERYBODY in this scene!