Hit List has a chance of making its Off-Broadway debut at the Manhattan Theatre Workshop, if only Jimmy and Kyle will listen to the smart people who have way more experience than they do in putting on cohesive, entertaining shows and make a few small changes to their precious Art. Jimmy puts his cranky foot down and refuses to change one blessed note, that is, until Karen quits Bombshell and comes back to be his — and Derek's — muse. So now their show is a go, but so is the Derek-Karen-Jimmy triangle of death.
Yes, Karen quit Bombshell after three weeks of rehearsing with Director Tom. She's not feeling the chemistry with him, so this nobody from Iowa abandons a Broadway lead in favor of a show with no second act. I would love to hear her explain that to her parents. But that leaves Bombshell in need of a Marilyn, and who's available who's busty and blonde and actually charismatic and talented…
…Ivy! Liaisons! crashes and burns on its opening night, quite spectacularly (and literally in parts, when Terry falls off a set piece and right on his face), which frees Ivy up to return to the part her breasts were born to play, thrilling Tom. To put the cherry on top, Derek signs some papers saying Bombshell can use the choreography he created, so the show can still be sexy, because on that aspect Tom was really lousy. Apparently the gay composer wasn't any good at telling chorus boys to dance lasciviously with baseball bats? I don't buy it.
And Eileen wrestles control of the show away from horrible Jerry, using their daughter, Meryl Streep's Daughter, as leverage. And that's all we will say about how half of this episode was about people yelling at each other about signing papers and notary publics and non-compete clauses and then my head exploded.
We gather here to say our good-byes
Here she lies
No one spent Tuesday
With the late, great monument to Broadway.
Friends, welcome. To the beginning of the end. (Probably.) After next week, the Little Sideshow That Couldn't will be relocating to Saturday nights -- the graveyard of TV. So enjoy Ivy's boobs and Derek's alarmed coif and Karen's dead shark eyes while they still occupy prime-time real estate.
Previously on Smash: Ivy came clean with Terry about how terrible Liaisons! is and they tried to fix it. Derek quit Bombshell and Karen had to quit Hit List, just before Jesse L. Martin swooped in to save Kyle and Jimmy's grubby little baby from Fringe Festival obscurity. And Eileen discovered that Jerry was responsible for her boyfriend going to jail and her losing control of Bombshell, so now she's out for blood.
We open on Jimmy and Ana rehearsing a song from Hit List, both of them with the Thousand-Yard Stare of Oh My God This Show Still Sucks. They finish and Derek tells them it was lovely. Scott (HI JESSE -- PLEASE SING SOMETHING ANYTHING) thanks them, and Derek asks if he's going to book the show. Scott politely asks for a bit of time to talk to his people.
Meantime, Derek makes a fuss about how no one is catering to him and he's such a grand and fancy Broadway director, so why does his coffee taste like soap and why did he have to fetch it himself like a common hobo? The lighting designer tells Derek that down here in Independent Nonprofit Theatreville everyone gets their own coffee, then compliments Jimmy and Kyle on the show -- and he actually says "bee-tee-dubs," which makes me want to punch Josh Safran in the face -- thrilling Kyle to no end and making Jimmy smirk, because everything makes Jimmy smirk. And THEN the theater starts filling up with CHILDREN for an educational program. Derek could not look more horrified if the theater were suddenly full of hyenas with leprosy. I love it.
Bombshell rehearsal, now under the direction of Majordomo Tom Levitt. And just to draw a really bright, thick, oh-my-god-we-get-it-already line under the difference between Bombshell and Hit List, Tom sends his handsome assistant out for a cappuccino. He moves on to blocking a number that's Marilyn arriving on the set of Some Like It Hot, and he wants it to be all va-va-voom, very Jayne Mansfield. Karen interrupts and says she doesn't see it that way. She argues with Tom about how everyone on the set of that movie hated Marilyn, and Tom's all, ENOUGH MEAT PUPPET, JUST DO WHAT I WANT. Karen starts to bring up what Derek would do in this situation and Tom snips, "Derek isn't here anymore." Ugh. Shut up, Karen. Stage manager Linda pulls Tom away so he doesn't throttle the lead actress... although I would give him a dollar if he did.