On Broadway

Episode Report Card
Sara Brady: C | 2 USERS: A
I Won't Quit Till I'm a Star
taken and Jerry says he doesn't see Jordan, and that maybe Jordan knows Eileen doesn't have enough capital to get Bombshell to Broadway. He says he has a lot of friends. She replies that they're her friends, whom he stole, and that he saw Bombshell and realized it was better than what he was working on so he called all the theater owners and told them not to let her book the show.

She says if he wants to invest in the show, he should say so. He does. Eileen tells him to get out before she throws another drink in his face. Boo! More drink throwing, less about Julia's feelings! Real person Jordan Roth arrives and says he's offered Bombshell the St. James. Eileen gets a call from Nick, "my boyfriend," she specifies somewhat unnecessarily, and moves away, telling him they're going to Broadway. Jerry looks unimpressed and texts someone the hilariously ominous, "Time to move forward with the plan." "DONE," replies Jerry's henchman. All that's missing are the Hitchcock violins. Jerry sulks and doesn't get up out of Jordan's seat, because he is a rude jerk.

Bar. Karen and the girls are rehearsing "Let Me Be Your Star," which sounds fine. Stage manager Linda is all, clap clap clap, time for the next number, which confuses Karen, because Eileen only asked her to do the one song. Linda says Ivy and the ensemble will be performing "Smash" as well. When Linda goes over to the piano to talk to Tom, Karen stalks right past Ivy to the bar to get her purse. Ivy, who is wearing the saddest cardigan you've ever seen -- one that still manages to show all her cleavage -- and looks all downtrodden and completely without spirit, tells Karen that her being there isn't about Karen. Silly Ivy. Don't you know everything is about Karen?! Karen snaps, "No, it's about you, as usual." She stalks out and Julia -- who is sitting at the bar -- murmurs, "Just like old times."

Ivy asks Julia to be honest with her about her future with the show. She says she's committed to being a part of Bombshell when it moves to Broadway. Karen says Ivy needs to apologize to Karen for whatever happened, and Ivy says she did back in Boston. Julia says after her dirty, shameful affair with Michael Swift, she told Shrek all the time that she was sorry, but it didn't matter until she apologized for why. (Did she ever tell us why she did it? Was Michael Swift just the only one willing to excavate through the thousands of layers of earth-toned scarves?) Tom calls Ivy over to rehearse and Julia wishes her good luck.

Derek is meeting with Michael Riedel, who observes that it's a big season for Derek, staging both Bombshell and The Wiz. Riedel, cattier than ever this season, apparently sat with Rebecca Duvall for a preview in Boston, to which Derek's only comment is: "Rebecca Duvall is a superstar. And like most superstars she knows what she's good at. And what she isn't." Including digesting peanuts. Riedel says he thinks Derek might be suggesting Rebecca poisoned herself to get out of her contract, but Derek would never suggest such a thing!

Karen waits at the bar and a very cute boy (who is not quite as cute as 18-year-old Christian Bale, but c'mon -- who is? Nobody, that's who! Not that little Bieber urchin, not those One Direction scamps, no one! We knew how to grow teen idols in the '90s! They sang, they danced, they joined the Hitler Youth and grew up to be Batman! Get off my lawn, whippersnappers!) asks if he can get her something while she waits. She brushes him off, but he persists and introduces himself as Jimmy. She asks if he talks to all his customers this much (have you ever met a bartender before, Karen?), and he asks if she is actually a customer or just another actress who will take up space and not order anything but water. Karen says she's not like that. No, she's worse.

Michael Riedel greets Karen and says he can't wait to see her in the show. He leaves and Jimmy asks, "Still or sparkling?" Karen replies, "Tap," because that's exactly what she's like. She asks Derek if he knew about Ivy singing at the party and he says he didn't. She brings up Ivy's advice about protecting the work and uses that as her excuse for wanting Ivy gone. Derek says she just has to say the word and he'll fire Ivy. Karen moves her forehead a little bit and he says, "Consider it done." Derek! You bastard.

Tom and Sam finally get a scene together! Sam says he's been offered a lead in the touring company of The Book of Mormon, but he wants to stay in the city. Tom reminds Sam that he has ten lines in Bombshell, but Sam wants to stay to be with Tom, and then of course turns the subject to how Tom hasn't let himself enjoy his good reviews because Julia's weren't so good. Sam reminds him Julia doesn't even know about the bad reviews, but Tom says he's protecting her so she can focus on her marriage. And then across Gramercy Park, they see Shrek kissing a woman good-bye as she gets into a cab. Sam and Tom give each other giant anime eyes of Oh Noes.

At the party, Ivy, Jessica and Bobby are huddled over a phone and reading a news alert: Rebecca Duvall told the press she left Bombshell because Derek sexually harassed her. Bobby calls Rebecca a tramp and Ivy says this must be what Derek called her about. Oh God. I hate Derek. She goes to find him.

Derek has Ronnie on his arm and he's thanking her for believing him, then asks her to intercede with the producers of The Wiz. She agrees to call them immediately. Derek goes to chat with Eileen, who is pissy about the focus being on Derek's pants again rather than the show. Derek wants Eileen to turn Michael Riedel away at the door, because him running that quote out of context (what context? I'm assuming he printed exactly what Derek said, which was three sentences) is the reason Rebecca retaliated the way she did. Eileen goes off to find Jordan.

Linda greets Shrek and says she's always admired his relationship with Julia. She's really glad they worked things out. Poor Linda, this is the most she's gotten to say in sixteen episodes and it is bullshit. Julia brings Shrek a drink and says Eileen named all the cocktails after Marilyn's movies -- this one is a Clash by Night (I figure it involves some ingredients that taste terrible together, like gin and Coke and Sambuca). Shrek asks if everyone in the company knows about her filthy Michael-banging. Julia admits they do. Shrek drains his drink and sends her off for another.

A few feet away, Tom is making the case to Sam for not saying anything to Julia and Sam is voice-of-reasoning, "She's your best friend." Eileen is freaking out on the phone to Jordan, asking "Do I still have the theater or don't I?" She hangs up and says Jordan isn't coming. Tom blames Derek ("Maybe he heard about Rebecca") and Derek blames Julia ("Maybe he read Julia's reviews"). Eileen says they need a distraction. Luckily, there's another Oscar winner in this scene! Ronnie points at Karen, who is coming up the stairs and suggests, "Why don't you use her?" That's not what I meant!

Tom introduces Karen and Ronnie, who sing "On Broadway." This part of the show is what I think of as Simon Cowell's revenge on high culture. But it's the title of the episode, so everyone finish your Some Like It Hots (which are either straight bourbon, drunk from a flask strapped to one's thigh or Micheladas with a heap of chili powder).

Nick arrives and Eileen pulls him off upstairs. Sam says something to Julia, which Tom observes worriedly. Then Tom goes over to talk to her and she looks like she's going to puke. Although she's drinking, which relieves me because I was really afraid they were springing a Surprise! Adultery Baby on us in last season's finale. Thanks for not doing that, show. Seriously. Thank you.

Derek congratulates Karen and thanks her for lifting his mood. He asks how she did that and she says, "I'm your muse. It's what we do." Now <

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