So You Think You Can Dance
Auditions #1: New York

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Auditions #1: New York

So next up -- OH GOD NOT EVANSECENCE WHY DID I AGREE TO DO THIS SHOW? Fortunately, the dancer who chose this song, "Tiffany," sucks, and the judges can't think of anything nice to say, and Tiffany, I swear to God, decides she'll open a restaurant instead. If she's as good at that as she is at dancing, I hope her customers all enjoy botulism.

Some odd pseudo-ballet/interpretive dance with a woman with black and pink hair playing the part of "Jesus," which is all that needs to be said about that.

Since a few pussy New Yorkers complain about how cold it is, even though there is no snow and you can't even see their breath, Cat smoothly segues that Pasha and Anya will "bring the heat," and they haven't even started yet when Nigel is proclaiming Anya "so sexy." I agree, but unlike Nigel I manage to refrain from apparently actually jacking it while watching the two of them dance. They're really good. I don't know what they're doing. Tango? Salsa? Whatever, it's good. I warn you now, I know nothing about dance. I expect I'm going to learn, though. Nigel zips himself up and says, "That was so hot," They're sent right through to Vegas, and Mary yells at them and calls them the best ballroom dancers they've ever had on this show.

Afternoon in New York now, and we've hit a "rich vein" of talent. A woman in purple gets through. There are break dancers, and a endless procession of people getting sent through to Vegas. Somehow, we get from thousands left over to just a few left in the evening.

Heather Zamphier, 25, from Solomon's Island, Md., says she's addicted to "tattoos," only at first I thought she said "cashews." She's had hip surgeries that meant she shouldn't dance anymore, but that would be like killing herself, or something. She loves tigers, so much so she has one tattooed on her torso. She seems nice enough, and dances pretty well as far as I can tell. Nigel asks about her hip surgeries, and Mary calls her a miracle, and Dan says she woke him up and "attacked the stage," and they send her to Vegas, and she's really sweetly excited by it.

At the end of Day 1, thirty-two dancers have made it through. Then we get a montage of Nigel throwing out some dance terms to auditioners, some of whom can perform the Russian jeté or whatever, some of whom can't. No one is asked to do The Sprinkler, so I'd be shit out of luck. The magic of editing makes Dan look really baffled by what Nigel is on about it, because he's just all hip-hop, y'all! We return to Dancing Derrick, who demonstrates moves like "Airplane Turbulence" "Land The Plane" and "The Toothbrush." They're as awe-inspiring as they sound.

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So You Think You Can Dance

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