We start in Los Angeles, because it's the entertainment capital of the world, and also the capital of places where people yell, "Hollywood, baby!" into the camera and dare you to not want to slap them. Nigel Lythgoe, Mary Murphy and Adam Shankman are here to hand out some tickets or some hard knocks, so let's get to it.
Cat explains the auditions, which are unchanged from previous seasons: go to Vegas, go to choreography, or go home. Anya and Pasha will be leading the choreography this time around.
Dancers warm up, mostly by flinging their bodies around with unimaginable disregard for bodily safety. We get attacked by breasts again! Cat warns us the dancers know the bar has been set almost "impossibly high," after five seasons, so they're going to have to be near perfect.
Enter Cole Clemens, 21, of Placentia, Calif., who only had enough time to spike the hair on half of his head before coming to the auditions. He says he doesn't want to say he's a trendsetter, but he's always "been along those lines," whatever that means, and he hopes to stick out and to learn from the judges (and also teach them a thing or two).
Cue music, says Nigel, and Cole starts dancing. No music. Cue, says Nigel again. Still nothing. "Is he doing it without music?" asks Mary, because she is bewildered by and scared of silence. As Cole "dances" -- by which I mean claws at his face and flails about -- he says things like "Allure. Seduce. Shatter. Shatter. Shatter." Full-on hilarity for the judges, who have to hide their laughter behind their hands. Cole appears to be starring in a silent movie about a man whose brain is being controlled by alien beings whilst a rapidly spreading degenerative disease causes complete loss of his motor skills. "The candles blow out on us, too," he intones, before blowing on his palm. Et voila. Cole gives this to you, judges. It is his gift, much like when our cat leaves the body of a dead mouse at the bottom of the stairs as a gift for us. Well, it's not totally the same. Killing mice is a cat's job, after all.
The judges calm down and then are silent. Mary giggles while she calls it one of the most unusual auditions they've ever seen. Nigel makes an "off, off, off-Broadway" joke that Adam spruces up by saying, "Like, in Cleveland off Broadway." Heh. Cole seems to take all this quite well, and seems neither surprised nor chagrined when the judges give him a thumbs-down. After he goes, Adam calls it really fucking weird, and maybe Cole should have just said it was about cystic fibrosis or something.