So You Think You Can Dance

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Pacific Northwest? You got served.
st not good dancing in any way, shape or form," she says. Mia is equally blunt, and then Nigel gives them the "if you love what you do, then keep doing it, just not here" kissoff. Outside the theatre, Christopher apologizes to Julie, his partner, and says he hopes she wasn't embarrassed. "It's fine," she says, shrugging. Which isn't exactly the same as, "You didn't embarrass me," is it?

Then we get Nick "Nasty" Salzman, 25, from Hillsboro, Ore., who's an aspiring tattoo artist (he has a big breakdancing scene on his back). He says his nickname has nothing to do with his hygiene, but with his friends explaining that he is a nasty guy. I suspect it has more to do with "Nick" and "nasty" both starting with the letter N.

So he comes up with some high-energy hip-hop, a headstand, all kinds of stuff, and he's really not bad, and Mia looks like she wants to sex him up, but he can't keep it up and has to stop, admitting to the judges that he ran out of energy and used to be able to go for hours but now can only go for five minutes. Nigel points out that that was only two minutes, and asks what they're going to do about his stamina, and Nick right away does the "it sounds like you're going to reject me so I'm going to pre-empt that and announce that I don't care if I go any farther" thing, and Nigel's rather taken aback, especially when Nick gets all wink-wink with him, all "thanks for pointing out I didn't even last two minutes," and then he says he only cares about making "these two ladies" happy, because "they're nicer anyway." So now Nigel's pissed off, and Mary says she would have said yes but he's talked himself into a "no," and Mia helpfully explains that if this is how he reacts to the executive producer of the show, how's he going to treat choreographers and fellow dancers? Nick's completely humbled and apologetic, but it's too late, and they send him packing.

Dmitrious Bistrevsky, 21, from Spokane is a 6'6" b-boy who was a lot more confident in his routine before he videotaped himself dancing and then saw what he actually looks like. But then he figured what the hey, might as well go through with the audition, right? Wrong. He's exactly as ungainly and rough as you can imagine. Mia and Mary are worried that he's actually going to hurt himself. It doesn't help that he's hip-hopping to speed metal. Thank god Nigel finally puts a stop to it, and Dmitrious admits to Mary that he's only been dancing for three months. Mia says she couldn't enjoy the routine because she was scared he was going to hurt himself. Well, that, and also it sucked. Then Mary says "shit" and is bleeped and Nigel tells her she can't say "shit" and then Mary says it and everyone gets bleeped and it was bleeping annoying, and then they remember that there's someone auditioning, and they advise him to keep trying, and suggest other styles of dance, because he's so tall that he'd make a great partner.

Then there's a guy dancing ballroom by himself who inspires the judges to pretend to sleep on each other, and then someone falls, and Nigel calls someone a terrible performer, and Mary lambastes everyone for playing it safe, and Mia calls the city frustrating, and people are crying, and then there is a stripper there, only I don't think she made it through, and Nigel tells someone else it's not called So You Think You've Got Attitude, and Mia calls someone disgusting, and complains that his hands haven't gone anywhere near the stack of tickets he's got, and then he chews out the crowd and orders people to just get up on the stage or get off, because he hasn't got a show with what he's seen so far.

So it's up to Kelsea Taylor, 18, of Millcreek, Wash. Nigel implores her to please, please, please be good. Like, no pressure or anything, Kelsea. But obviously by this point we know she's going to be good, dancing contemporary, writhing and leaping all graceful like. Sonya would love her, Nigel tells the other judges. Yes, and then you'd snap at her. Eventually the routine ends, and Nigel says he didn't want her to stop. He says she was "zany" and liked her a lot. Mary loved the musicality, and Mia calls her a "beautiful, disastrous weirdo," in that annoying way that artsy people call someone something that would normally be insulting but they're just so creative that it's actually a compliment.

Kelsea joins twenty-three others for the choreography. Mary tells her that her solo was really entertaining, and she kept them entertained, so she's going to Vegas. And you'd be forgiven for thinking she was the only one, but in fact there are three others -- two more women and one guy -- going through to Vegas. Too bad we didn't have time for you guys, and had to show you all the people who sucked.

The next day, Nigel pumps everyone up by glowering at the dancing wannabes and tells them how pathetic yesterday was, with only four people going through. Bonne chance!

Kuponohi'ipou Aweau, 23, from Kailua, Hawaii is up first. Cat gamely tries to say his name, but calls her attempts "rubbish," which is a word I feel I should use more often. Look out, The Bachelorette! He explains that in Hawaiian culture you're supposed to live up to your name, and his name means "child of cherished honesty." He should explain to the judges that his name means "straight through to Vegas." He dances contemporary, using a chair as a prop. Looks as good to me as contemporary ever does. Nigel asks him to pronounce his name, and then he says his nickname is "Pono" or "Porno." Probably best to stick with Pono. Mary says he was really good except some parts of his dancing were feminine. Mia wants to jump the guy, and she says there was some "stuff" in there. I'm learning every minute! They send him through to choreography.

So we get a quick montage of good dancers, but do we learn who they are? No! Why? Because David Goddamn "Sex" Sollar, age thirty-goddamn-five, of Smithtown N.Y. is back with his mom, and even his mom looks tired of this bullshit, and Sex explains that he's an "up and coming celebrity" and we actually see him sign some autographs for people who need to sit down and take a good, hard look at their life choices. So much for Nigel yelling at him last year not to come back again.

Before we get to waste time on Sex, we're going to see Leonid Knyshov, 29, of Kiev, Ukraine. He recovers data from damaged hard drives for a living. He says a good chunk of his job involves grief counselling, because it's very traumatic to lose data. Looking at that another way, maybe you're not very good at your job, then. He also runs a bunch of websites, including one about how to make your online dating profile stand out ("Does that sound interesting to you?" he asks), and he does such a good job that he once got a call on an unlisted number from a call girl. And he's just going to leave it at that for now.

So now he's going to go up on stage after implying that he's such an amazing website designer that hookers want to fuck him. He'd better be good. Oh, no, wait. He kind of jog-dances, and flails about, and dances on his tiptoes like Peewee Herman. Nigel asks him what that style is. "I made it up. Elements of jive, if you can believe it," he says. Nigel asks what he's trained in, and Leonid lists some ballroom dances and jazz, etc., but not a lot, and he's here to get some help and see how far he can go. "So let's hear what you have to say," he says. Heh. He's got that directness that comes from learning English as a second language, when you haven't picked up all the idioms yet. "It's like you're at a rave party," says Nigel. "Yes," says Leonid. Mary says there wasn't anything other than twirling. Mia says she wants to see a battle between him and Sex.

Is this really happening? Sex and Leonid have a battle, and I'm largely going to gloss over it because they're wasting everyone's time with this bullshit. This is like Alien vs. Predator: Whoever wins, we lose. What a massive waste of time this is. I'm glad the judges are having so much fun. Then the ludicrous thing is that Nigel and Mary actually put him through to ch

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So You Think You Can Dance

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