So You Think You Can Dance

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For the Want of a Nail

We're in Salt Lake City tonight, home of more repressed Latter-Day Saints than you can shake your obviously gay ass at. But I kid the Mormons. Seriously, though, if all I had to evaluate Mormonism by was the contestants they provide to American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance, I would find their religious traditions of skinny blond queer boys and charming but nervous girls utterly captivating. Cat makes friendly with the teeming masses, and everybody freaks their shit out.

Nigel and Mary are joined by Mia (WOOO!) Michaels tonight, and all is right with the world. Up first is Bryan Boyer, a particularly rough-and-tumble b-boy from Sandy, UT (home of Barb, Nicki, and Margene!) with dyed red hair that comes with a black racing stripe (sharp!). He favors that kind of breakdancing where you're constantly crashing down on your shoulder or landing on your head. His dancing shows him to be incredibly athletic and agile, though I wonder about his musicality. One of the best hip-hops of the season, says Nigel, and Mia agrees (Bryan is more excited by Mia's praise than Nigel's, which makes me like him). Unanimous "yes" votes... for choreography. And for the record, yes, I've noticed that the great hip-hoppers get put through to choreography while the great contemporary dancers go straight to Vegas, but to me, that seems like an acknowledgment of the formal training contempo dancers have obviously had more than anything sinister. But here I sit without any conspiracy theories, so what do I know? Anyway, Bryan's already found someone in the hallway to help him train for choreography, so I've got my hopes up.

Okay, get this next girl: Her shtick is that she's been in twenty-five car accidents in the span of three years. Um...WHAT? And she was never the driver, either. So either this is some Final Destination thing where the nearest blender is going to short out, causing the kitchen curtains to catch fire, causing the cat to instinctively leap out onto the fire escape, where it knocks over a potted plant, which lands on an already precariously balanced air conditioner, which will drop on this girl's head as she stands on the sidewalk below... or else she is REALLY interpreting "shotgun" rules the wrong way. Anyhoo, what this has to do with her dancing I have no idea. I kind of hope she sucks, because: who wants to partner with that? Her name is Tristy Mirci, in case you feel like checking your flight manifests from now on, and she's contempo dancing to Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone." Yeah, yeah, it's just like "Halo." This song only makes me think of people getting eliminated last season, so I kind of don't care. Anyway, Tristy appears to have all the moves down, but it's all so wretchedly heavy and clunky. I will bet you cash dollars she "learned" this solely from watching this show on TV. While convalescing. She actually claims to have been trained (I don't buy it), and the judges all let her down gently.

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So You Think You Can Dance

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