So You Think You Can Dance

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Joe R: B | Grade It Now!
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For the Want of a Nail

Haley Cloud, 19, is working through a herniated disk in her back. Her contempo routine includes a lot of tumbling and one seriously difficult-looking split landing. "Strong, powerful, uninhibited," says Mary. She loves Haley's confidence. Mia looks at her notes and sees that Haley claims she can stand upside down for minutes at a time. Mia half-jokingly (i.e. not at all jokingly) asks if Haley could conduct the rest of this evaluation upside down. Haley obliges, to Mia's delight, though from this camera angle, the mic is now level with her crotch, so... Nigel likes that she calls her fellow dancers her "competitors," and leers at her (admittedly sizeable) jugs as he hands her a ticket to Vegas.

Megan Kinney (Caitlin's sister from last season?) once again impresses with a sexy contemporary, and Genise Ruidaz works some pink hot pants and contorts herself to the point where I need to ice down. Both get tickets to Vegas.

Those last two beautiful women cue the next montage of Nigel horndogging it over all the female contestants. Normally I'd talk about how grossed out I am by Uncle Nigel's creepy leering (and I am), but then a lightning bolt in the shape of Neil Haskell would strike me dead and then: no recap. Anyway, the montage is a lead-up to Ariana Rowley, a.k.a. Satine LaRouge (her burlesque name, natch). Ariana looks about 40 years old and about as desperate as you'd expect. Her striptease prominently features a fur coat straight out of Melanie Griffith in The Bonfire of the Vanities, it's that tired. I'd offer the not-exactly-controversial opinion that this kind of thing is voraciously not sexy, but I'm too busy watching Mary and Mia shoot side-eyes at each other. "Straight to Vegas!" Mary jokes. Mia is cutely flustered, while Nigel keeps repeating how much he loved it. Mia finally finds her words: "weak and trashy." But she does send her to choreography, as does Nigel, so it seems we're in for one more round of this. Boring.

Ballroom dancer Iveta Lukosiute is... amazing. She pretty much IS Lena Olin's character from Alias if she'd never emigrated from Russia, her face has a plastic sheen to it like Jude Law in A.I., she's wearing a green sparkly dinner napkin, and she has a dance partner who she can seemingly summon and banish at will. She is almost definitely here to assassinate someone, but while she waits for the intel, she might as well audition. Watching a woman like this dance to Celine Dion is almost weirder. For real, though, she's got some wicked lines and a serpentine energy that's pretty unique. Nigel makes a big deal of using the word "vivacious" to describe her and actually busts out the Pasha/Anya comparison. Mary starts to cry through the botulism, and Mia's thrilled, too. We need to have a serious Mia smackdown soon. But not for Iveta! I'm too scared of her. She's through to Vegas.

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So You Think You Can Dance

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