So You Think You Can Dance

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All the Critics Love U in New York

I have this recurring nightmare in which Cat Deeley is no longer the host of this show. It's worse than the dream in which all my teeth fall out. Fortunately, she's back, and she has a megaphone, which is probably the only way she could be more awesome than normal. And there is a person in a Phantom of the Opera half-mask, but I don't think he will be harming her. Cat tells us that we need personality to succeed. And also talent. To succeed, yes. But I suspect the next two hours will show us that you don't necessarily need either of those qualities to appear on the first few episodes of this show.

But thank god for this show. I mean, I'm currently also recapping The Bachelorette so the difference between the talent levels required for this show (which is to say "a lot") versus The Bachelorette (willing to risk venereal disease for money and fame) is staggering.

Brooklyn. How you doin'? Cat says something about the Brooklyn Bounce. I don't know what she's talking about. I enjoy her keeping up the morale of all the people waiting in line. She's like a one-woman USO tour.

First dancer to be featured is Gabi Rojas, 24, from Albuquerque. She was born and raised in the circus. Like, actually born while the circus was performing? Maybe, if it were Cirque du Soleil. Her mother taught her to juggle, do the trapeze, all that fun stuff, and now she's got rheumatoid arthritis through the majority of her body, and her mom has been very supportive in helping her keep up with the dancing. Are you going to make me cry with the very first contestant? Dammit, are you? "She's always emphasized being diligent about my practice and how I train," she says, adding that dancing is her life.

She does some interpretive dancing to perhaps the most sensual xylophone sounding-music I've ever heard. She moves really well, and impresses the judges, which include Tabitha and Napoleon this week. She has rheumatoid arthritis? My god. I don't. I guess I have excuse for not being able to move like that. Except for the laziness.

The judges give her a standing ovation, and says he'll be very surprised if she's not in the top 20, adding that it's one of the best auditions he's seen in five years. Mary screams. Between seasons, I always manage to forget about the screams somehow. But then there's always the preview article that every newspaper runs that focuses on the screaming. First of all, get a new angle. Second of all, shut up about the screaming! It only makes things worse! It's her thing, so she's expected to do it, and everyone pretends to secretly like it while pretending to hate it, except I'm convinced everyone actually hates it but just wants to be a good sport. It's like, "My thing is that I give you malaria!" and everybody pretends to think it's hilarious that I give people malaria. You know? She's right through to Vegas.

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So You Think You Can Dance

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