So You Think You Can Dance

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Yay, Miami! You had no way of knowing this, but I am feeling particularly benevolent towards Miami right now, having recently found Season 2 of Miami Vice on sale at the local Rogers Video for fifteen dollars. Fifteen dollars! Canadian dollars! So, yay, Miami!

You might think I'm hopelessly dated for bringing it up, but I've got good money that suggests this show will be referencing it within a couple of minutes. Cat asks if Miami will bring the heat. Well, at worst, there will be some guy yelling "Caliente!" which will have to do.

This is what Miami has to offer, we learn: sizzling sunshine, sexy senoritas (read: boobs!) and Latin spice. There is also a guy who kind of vibrates in a way that -- like, if you were directing some kind of science-fiction dance flick? And you needed some guy to dance like he was being transported into a different dimension? You'd ask this guy. Also: booty shaking!

Cat gets her megaphone out to either bring in the first group of auditioners, or to lead a gullible bunch of Miamians ... Miamers? Miamilonians? Miamiacs? Ah, now I forget what joke I was going to make. Don't worry; I'm sure it wasn't very good. I haven't even been drinking very much yet.

Joining the judges in Miami is Tyce Diorio. We see some of his portfolio shots for some reason. I guess it's to show his Broadway bona fides. There is also a clip of him kissing a woman, which I assume is there to mollify Nigel, who we don't want going off on a big homophobic tirade again.

Cat goes over the way auditions work, which is useful for people who have a) never seen the show before and are b) too dumb to figure out the process, which is really very simple.

And then Mary, wearing a yellow and white shirt with poofy sleeves, tells the dancers that she needs a date to that night's square dance. No, sorry. She just invites the dancers to show the judges what they've got, and doesn't explain the dress at all. Which is just rude.

Alvin "Tony" Riendeau, 26, West Melbourne, Fla., tells us, he dances "Tony"-style, which is to say he dances like he has no bones in his body. He confidently tells us he's always the star when he's on the dance floor. Yeah, well, so was I, but just because I put a lot of energy into drunken flailing about to the Beastie Boys doesn't make me Baryshnikov, you know? Such hubris! He dances to Kenny Loggins' Footloose, the title song from the movie about a town that outlawed dancing, only when you watch this clown run around the dance floor, with no rhythm, no choreography, you think, "Maybe those old bastards in the Footloose town were onto something." Mary laughs her ass off for the entire audition. Nigel and Tyce just look stunned. After it's all over, Nigel compliments the fact that when Tony falls he gets right back up again. Tyce says he might have to give the guy "the props" for being quirky, but he was actually "horrifyingly" bad. "Like flush you like a public toilet bad," says Tyce. Please, no one tell Nigel what goes on in public toilets! Tyce then talks forever about "quirky Tony," and I have to give Tony, who looks quite a lot like Matthew Modine, credit for not punching him. Tyce and Mary both say no to sending him to choreography, and afterwards Nigel says he would have said yes, although I think he's "taking the piss."

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So You Think You Can Dance

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