Brace-faced Christina is the only ballroomer in competition, so she's joined by Pasha and blonde Anya. As we learned at this stage last season, three-person ballroom is just awkward. This salsa is no different. There's no sustained connection between performers, you can't stay in closed position for more than a few seconds. It all seems wrong. Added to that, Christina gets seriously outshined by Pasha and Anya here. And not only because Pasha comes equipped with a cute haircut and an open shirt (one that eventually gets tossed off altogether). Though seriously, Pasha: missed you, baby. Choreographer Jason Gilkison admits that three-person ballroom is dicked up, though Cat helps sell the fiction that the focus stayed on Christina (it didn't; my eyes were on Pasha and Anya always). Nigel makes some pervy comments about how awesome it was that Jason choreographed two women fighting over a man, and he makes sure none of us thinks he liked shirtless Pasha. That is a lie, sir, and you know it. Everybody likes shirtless Pasha.

Next up, Alex Wong and Billy Bell -- joined by Ade -- are choreographed by Mia Michaels. And then I DIE, for real. Before the routine, Mia gives some explanation, saying she's really fixated on time and mortality lately, so this routine charts the passage of time, from childhood to old age. Billy plays the child, sitting on the floor with a toy truck. It's amazing how much Billy can do while staying so low to the ground. Alex is the man in his prime, strong and confident. Ade is the old man, bent and stumbling. I don't know how she does it, but once again Mia took something high-concept and obvious and made it delicate and emotional. She got me again. There's such great posture work from all three guys, whose characters are all obviously different, but on some level united. What can you say about Alex and Billy? They're just insanely talented. Mia dubs them the Freak (Billy) and the Beast (Alex). Yes.