So You Think You Can Dance

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It's Called An Indoor Voice, Mary

Jesus Christ, Mary! They're called MICROPHONES. That means that you don't have to SHOUT at us! You don't have to scream at Nigel that it looks like the dancers were on fast-forward, you don't have to shout at the dancers that that was the fastest disco she's ever seen on this show or any other show! You can talk in a normal voice and WE WILL HEAR YOU. Then she makes a "not!" joke. Twice! For those of you who are confused, "Not!" jokes were very popular twenty years ago. Then she screams and screams and goddamn SCREAMS, and Brandon and Janette have that "clapping and over the top laughing" reaction that all the dancers are required to have when Mary completely loses her mind, which I swear to god happens more and more each season. Nigel then says that if he could stand up and scream like Mary he would. But he's not high. He praises all the elements that Doriana mixed in, and then brings up Dirty Dancing, which BARELY PREDATES "not!" jokes, and then warns Brandon that Mia Michaels is doing the routine tomorrow. This also serves as a warning to us, but it doesn't do me any good, since I don't have a bomb shelter.

Asuka and Vitolio are up next. We find out that Vitolio is obsessed with motorcycles, while Asuka likes to blow spit bubbles. Asuka "explains" that one time she saw someone doing it, so she tried it. Was that "someone" five months old?

They're doing a waltz with Louis Van Amstel, which Asuka is really excited about. She's apparently less excited about Vitolio, who blames their lack of chemistry thus far on Asuka not wanting to jump his bones. "How handsome I am, and she's not attracted to me," he says, baffled. Louis talks to Vitolio about what a compelling life story Vitolio has, and Asuka says America doesn't know what Vitolio has gone through, and I have to say that since it's brought up every show, America (the America that watches this show, anyway) has a pretty good idea by this point. Louis says, "I want him to dance full of pain, and show the beauty of where he comes from." So this is going to be one of those dances where you can't dislike it without, you know, cheering for children to go to orphanages.

So they're dancing to Enya, which I think needs to be OUTLAWED by this point. Asuka caresses Vitolio's cheek, and they dance apart from each other for while, very gracefully, and then join hands and move across the floor together. After pulling her in a split position towards him, Vitolio swings Asuka around him, low enough to the ground that she can trim the edges of your lawn. Moments later he tosses her over his shoulder (less gracefully) and they do some separate, synchronized movement. At the end, Vitolio spins her around onto the floor, and she twirls to come to rest perfectly positioned in front of the camera, Vitolio over her shoulder.

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So You Think You Can Dance

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