Lost
Solitary

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Dan Kawa: B | Grade It Now!
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Drivin' Your Green With My Three-Iron of Love
I'm writing to you from my own deserted island, the town of Duck on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. My attractive lawyer wife and I came down to take some time off at her parents' beach house; I was foolish enough to bring down a videotape of Lost, and now I have to recap it. If I were smart I just would've gotten a sub this week, but now I'm sitting in a downstairs bedroom preparing to shit out everything that crosses my mind over the next hour, just to give you, the Television Without Pity customer, the quantity recap you deserve.

(The island isn't really deserted, of course; we found that out this morning when we went to a local restaurant for breakfast and found it crowded with hardy fools who, like us, take their beach vacations in November. I had biscuits and gravy. It was cholesteriffic.)

Thankfully, it's not like I'm missing some beautiful day to deliver this recap; it's rainy and gray and gross outside. Likewise, the only football game I really care about isn't on until 8:30 tonight. So other than our dog, who races from the third floor to the ground floor every two minutes hoping that someone will do something interesting in the meantime, I face no distractions in writing this recap up. My goal is to finish this recap in less than one hour. (Usually it takes me about seven.) To do so I will be typing every single thing I think, without recourse to "editing" or "proofreading" or "ever using the backspace key." Also, to save time, I will never hit the rewind button on the VCR. No freeze-framing, no slo-mo, and no watching a scene more than once to get the subtleties. Subtleties are a luxury I can't afford. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines! The fastest recap in recorded history begins…now!

Sayid's private beach. He's taking a break from his mapquest, and sits staring at the photograph of the rather severe-looking Iraqi woman we saw his staring at a few episodes back. (Which episode? I should find the link! But screw it, I don't have time, and our internet connection is shaky at best here at the beach, and it's located up two flights of stairs, so I can't be bothered! No time!) He turns over the photograph to read the writing on the back; this passage will be translated for us later in the episode, I'm sure, so there's no need for me to show off my knowledge of Arabic. He looks down the beach and sees a tiny bit of cable sticking out of the sand. He pulls the cable up and sees that it actually goes off makai into the ocean, and mauka into the jungle. The music goes crazy here with bongos and shit.

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Lost

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