Sons of Anarchy

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B | 2 USERS: A
Tara Swore the Hippocratic Oath; Gemma Just Swore

Bachman's just pulled up on his bike, and when Nate asks who that is, Gemma and Tig smoothly lie about how it's someone who will be giving Amelia a ride home. Well, metaphorically speaking, that is not incorrect. Bachman pulls off his helmet and we see that -- oh, could it be? Could someone whose surname echoes that of Stephen King's nom de plume really be played by Stephen King? This has the potential to go terribly wrong: I still remember how the miniseries The Stand ground to a halt when Stephen King made his appearance. And given that a) that happened back in 1994, and b) I was a drunken undergraduate at the time, for the memory to remain indelible to this day ... shudder.

Cut to Bachman whipping out a measuring tape and checking the length of Amelia's arms, then her legs. He gropes Amelia's breasts -- cut to Gemma watching with lips pursed while Tig looks a little unsettled -- then smooths down Amelia's hair and pops her mouth open to inspect her teeth. Gemma and Tig exchange another look. Bachman scribbles a list on a small pad, then tears it off and hands it to Gemma with a flat, "This is what I need." Gemma and Tig read the list. His eyebrows fly up, but Gemma only has to suck in her breath for a moment before saying, "Most of this stuff's in the garage. I'll send Tara out for the rest." Tig, who has the look of a man who's trying to go to his doll-free happy place, stares straight ahead and whispers, "Okay." Bachman then asks, "How's the drain in that slop sink?" Gemma thinks it's fine. Good. Bachman has one last request: "I'm in the mood for some music. Eighties." Tig says with some small amount of relief, "I'll make that happen." Bachman waggles a finger and walks off, and Tig and Gemma exchange a look that can be translated roughly as, As long as he never asks to patch into the Charming chapter, it's all good, right?

Lin's party. The SAMCRO boys are indeed partaking of the sweet Asian buffet, while the Caracara girls are draped all over the Hong Kong clients. For reasons known only to God and/or the writers' room, nobody in SAMCRO has thought, "Mayhap, Opie ought not be around when his sexy American girlfriend is working the room." And so Opie is mowing down on a plate of fried wontons, drinking a lot, and feeling very, very sorry for himself. (Although I bet the poor schmucks back at Teller Morrow Motors are feeling even sorrier for themselves, seeing as they have to KEEP THE BUSINESS RUNNING while the cool kids get to go party.)

Anyway, we see Piney sitting at the bar with Clay, so either Clay got the fastest blowjob in the history of TV timelines, or he was just joking about needing to recalibrate his emotions via casual fellatio. Jax comes on over and none of the not-getting-any braintrust notices Opie getting broodier and broodier, especially as Lyla grabs some businessman by the tie and saunters back into the private room where, obviously, the businessmen are getting their home movie kink on.

Then Opie catches sight of Lyla about to go down on a businessman and completely loses his shit. Like, to the point where he's assaulting Lin's clients. Cut to Clay sighing and rolling his eyes all, God DAMN it, but as the event degenerates into SAMCRO vs. everyone, he tamps down his dismay enough to dryly tell Lin, "I hope someone's getting this all on film."

The next scene: Aftermath. Clay apologizes for Opie with, "He's still adjusting to his old lady's career path." Lin speaks for all of us with, "Then why the hell was he here?" Clay deflects with a goofy shrug and "I don't know what he was thinking?" Or anyone else in the club, for that matter. It is ridiculous that, knowing as they all do that Opie is profoundly ambivalent about Lyla's occupation, anyone in the club was all, "Yes, it is a swell idea to bring the guy who can't keep his head in the game in an adult bookstore. I am sure watching his girlfriend at work will not be at all disastrous!" Lin tells Clay what Ope was thinking: "He was thinking, 'I don't want any guns or money.'" Clay is desperate for the guns; it's the only way he'll be able to keep tabs on the Mayans. So he cuts a deal: "A piece of our trade. Italians like small guns. They'll want the MP5s. I give you Cucuzzi, you cut me in for 10%." Lin agrees -- but SAMCRO only gets 5% and he will deal with the Italians directly. Clay knows he's being screwed, but he's got his guns. I look forward to seeing if he ever conveys to Opie exactly how expensive that little temper tantrum was.

Gloomy Belfast. Cherry's got the phone number -- but she's also got the latest news about Half-Sack. Oh, this is so awkward, what with Cameron being Mo's cousin and all. Maureen asks, "You gonna be okay?" Cherry sniffles, "It's part of the deal, right?" Maureen whispers, "It is." They really are writing her as the Gaelic counterpart to Gemma, aren't they?

Unfortunately, the number Cherry has is for Gemma's cell, which the lady Morrow ditched when she went on the lam. So whatever Maureen is going to tell Gemma -- I'm going to go with "I know where your grandson is" but maybe that's too simple -- it will have to wait.

Cut to Nate's living room. Tara's still holding a cold compress on her head, Gemma's staring off into the middle distance and Tig is drinking. Bachman walks in, all spidery black limbs, and everyone rises. He says flatly, "All done." Tara looks around Bachman's back and asks, "Where is she?" Bachman's head whips around and he asks, "Where's who?" Gemma whips out a wad of cash -- $1600 -- and Tig says nervously, "Take the rest in goods. Anything." Bachman takes the statue of the praying hands -- the one Tara used to brain Amelia and start this whole chain of events -- and silently stalks out. Everyone left in the room looks like they're all counting to ten before making the excuse that will allow them to leave the room and change their drawers.

And I must say: Stephen King, all from The Stand is forgiven! Perhaps the key to his small-screen success in this episode is to act like a character in one of his short stories. Not the protagonist -- the other guy, the one who's an acolyte of Pan or an evil milkman serial killer or whatever. Anyway, I loved Bachman, and I loved that we really have no idea how the cleaner worked.

Back at the SAMCRO clubhouse, Jax and Opie are sitting down for a drink, and Opie apologizes to him. Hey, Jax is not the one at whose feet you should be groveling -- try his stepdad, who just gave up a boatload of money because of your fool actions. Jax sighs, "It was a stupid idea. We shouldn't have put you through it. We'll find the money." The Caracara girls come in -- I hardly recognized them, what with them being clothed and everything -- and Opie invites them to grab a drink. Jax sighs, "You would kill to get your old lady out of her day job. All I want is for mine to go back to hers." He's not happy about Tara taking a leave. Opie says, "Maybe it's the best thing, all the shit she's been through." Jax is not so sure about this. He says, "I'm struggling with it. My old man's manuscript, he says there are only two ways an old lady makes it. Either you tell them everything or you tell them nothing. Everything else, shit falls apart." Opie broods on this. He didn't tell Donna anything, and he's still not sure if he'll tell Lyla anything.

Lyla comes over then, so Jax and Opie wrap it up; Opie's taking Lyla home. Jax and Opie hug goodnight and then Jax is left with Ima. We all remember her from last season? How she pissed off Tara so badly, Tara shot up her car? Anyway, Ima's got a sixth sense about Jax and Tara, so she asks for a ride home. Jax gives her a long, slow look before nodding. But! Before he can step out on his old lady with a living, breathing petri dish, Juice comes over with his laptop. O'Neill's just emailed him a picture of the dead Cameron in Belfast. "Cameron's in Ireland," Jax realizes. "Then where's Abel?" Juice wonders. The episode closes with Clay grimacing at this proof that Jimmy O lied to him, and with Jax grimacing as he r

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Sons of Anarchy




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