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Next on, "Smallville..."

Party time! The barn has been gussied up to look just like The Talon. Why didn't they just have it there and be done with it already? Someone is carrying a cheap-ass supermarket cake that looks like it could only feed about six people. There are already three times that many folks just standing around. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! CHLOE!" a big banner reads. The banner makers are back in full-muthafuckin'-effizect. Clark shuts off a cell phone that he conveniently doesn't own when the plot demands it. He looks frustrated. He sees Jason just puttering around and asks if he's heard from the girls. Just you, Clark. Just you. Jason says he hasn't, and walks past Clark, giving him the coldness. Strummy crap alt-rock plays as Clark pursues Jason and tries to apologize. Jason turns and says he's only here because Lana wanted him to be. Yeah, and fuck Chloe! Also, "Because I'm her boyfriend, like it or not," he tells Clark. They hear a sudden barn-door opening sound even though the barn door hasn't opened yet. They both turn to look.

The barn doors slide open. Using lighting from a Whitesnake video, the girls are backlit. Everyone rushes to see who it is, whispering, "Yo, it's sluts! Let's go see!" Maddie-Chloe, Countess Lana, and Briana-Lois are dressed in black, including corsets and leather boots. As they walk in, we get a tight, behind-the-boots shot of the three of them. Everybody cheers this goth-lite makeover. Because nobody could stand these chicks before. There are suddenly sixty people in the barn. Countess Lana complains that they don't have time for this, even with their showy entrance. Maddie-Chloe, with her hair all up and her tiny waist in a tight corset, reminds Countess Lana that time is the one thing they do have. Yeah, but it's a callback to something she said four hundred years ago. I think there's a century-long statute of limitations on that. She asks if Countess Lana didn't say that just before the angry mob set them on fire. "You're really not gonna let that go, are you?" mumbles Countess Lana. Clark comes over to bust up the estrogen-'n-blood bubble, and takes Briana-Lois by the arm. He says that the Princeton recruiter is supposed to be there soon, and asks what took them so long. Briana-Lois explains that they took the scenic route. With an intense look, and her boobs popping up to say, "Peek-a-boo!" she says she "loves the view." Boy, howdy. Lois has what appears to be a black airport luggage strap hanging from a neck ribbon. When she gets up in his supergrill, Clark asks her if she's been drinking.

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