Sports Night
Kafelnikov

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Kafelnikov

In the control room, Annoying Jeremy is striding about like Caesar going to war. "Graphics are up, my good friends," he says. "As sure as the sun sets in the west [helpfully pointing west[, as sure as there will always be an England, the graphics are up!" Dana makes a lame joke about too much sugar.

At the desk, the knobs go to commercial. Dan whips out Abby's business card and shows it to Casey, who looks at it and says, "So, she's a shrink." Dan didn't realize that, although on her card it says, "Psy. D." Dan takes the card back and inspects it. "A doctor!" he says, impressed, like maybe Danny is following The Rules and finally snagged himself a sugar momma. "In the area of mental health," says Casey gravely. And the next bit is pretty funny, as Casey bugs Danny and wants to know if Danny has called her to make an appointment yet. "I called her to make a date," says Dan, in a "ha ha, very funny" voice. "You sure?" says Casey. "Yes," says Dan. Casey grins, and this scene may be the least annoying I've ever seen him in. "If you're sure, I'm sure," says Casey. Danny looks exasperated, and now he's quite content to let Abby be just "a girl in a bar" again.

They come back from break. Casey says something about "Dan and Casey's Dance Fever," a concept which caused my optic nerves to spontaneously detach from my eyeballs to prevent me from actually seeing such a thing. They go to break. Dan continues to protest (too much, methinks): "It's a date, Casey. Not an appointment." Casey wants to know where it is. "Her office," says Dan. Casey smiles and says, "Okay." Dan says he's sure she understood he was going to pick her up there. "I'm sure," fake-agrees Casey, who then asks what time Dan's picking her up. "Seven…fifty," says Dan, which makes Casey actually laugh out loud. "Seven-fifty?" he says. Dan says it's after her last appointment. "Sounds to me like she might have one more on her schedule," says Casey. Then Casey says Dan has to work at 7:50 because "I have to work at 7:50." "That's why I don't have to," counters Dan, and explains he's only going to be gone for an hour. "Oh, I understand," says Casey. "You do not understand," says Dan. And Casey nods and makes this phony "I understand" face that cracked me up maybe more than Casey ever has before.

Back in the control room, broadcast lingo. Jeremy wants to push the button, and since he outranks the TCs he gets to. If I were a TC, I would have only allowed him to do it if he agreed not to make a speech like the following: "At the press of this button, the Y2K problem will officially cry 'uncle' and I'll say, 'Yeah? Who's your daddy?'" That's it, I can't transcribe another word. In a fine display of ensemble acting, the rest of the cast convincingly pretends to be amused by Jeremy, while he is to my eye-rolling reflex what Japanese cartoons are to epileptics. Anyway, they come back from commercial. Dave does the countdown, Jeremy pushes the button, and in the most unexpected turn of events ever dramatized on television, all the monitors go blank. Stunned silence from everybody. Jeremy, mouth agape, hand running through his hair, says, "Huh." Dana checks with all of the TCs, none of whom has any working equipment. Well, Kim's equipment is as ship-shape as always. Dana says, "I'm just going to run to the ATM, pick up some bottled water and canned goods and I'll be right back." Jeremy assures her that he just has to access the mainframe and reboot the system, like what a genius idea that is. I'm not the most computer-literate person in the world, and even my surefire cure-all when I have a problem is to reboot the computer. Dana reminds Jeremy that "in real life" they're doing a show at 11. "That's in four and a half hours, I'll be done in five minutes," he promises. Dana tells everybody to take five. Everybody leaves, while suspenseful music plays. Jeremy types frantically at his keyboard and says, "Come on, I'm your daddy." Cut to a shot of a spooky red light and we hear this creepy computer voice say, "What are you doing, Jeremy? I can't allow you to do that." Commercials.

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