Sports Night
Napoleon's Battle Plan

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Word of mouth

Back in Dana and Casey's office, the two morons are still establishing that Casey has no plan. Dan asks if Casey knows what that means. "Sadly, I do," says Casey. Dan says it might be time for him to step in. Kim shows up. I wonder if either of them knows how much I would pay for a job where Kim is sent to my office, not only when I have no pants on, but precisely because I have no pants on. Hell, I'd just love a job where I didn't have to wear pants. Kim explains that they'll get their pants at the first c-break. Dan agrees, but says he'd be more comfortable if everyone took off their pants. Kim, who's wearing a dress, just rolls her eyes and marches the two of them through the newsroom, and they're struggling to look as dignified as anyone can while wearing only a shirt and tie, no pants, and black socks. Casey points out that it's the socks that really make the outfit work. "I was gonna say," says Kim, laughing.

In the control room, Jeremy comes in with the news that "Glen Rice is six for six from the arc," like, what's with the not-quite-NBA-superstar theme we've got going on here already? Dana says if they win, they'll go live to it. Then she starts in with the camera again, saying she considered the "Noshita Super 2000 LS-3," but decided that if she was going for a camera, she might as well go whole hog. "Since you don't know what you're doing anyway," offers Jeremy. "Exactly," agrees Dana. Natalie chimes in with the revelation that Dana had a hard time sleeping the night before. From that, Jeremy deduces that she read a mail-order catalogue featuring products she knows nothing about, not unlike me and my college roommates enjoying the Victoria's Secret catalogues that arrived at our house every month, which had been previously occupied by four women. Even better was the fact that my girlfriend at the time liked to order items from the catalogue, which may be responsible for the unrealistic girlfriend's-underwear expectations that I have to this day. Dana babbles on some more about product specs.

In front of the desk, the pantsless wonder boys are getting miked and ready to go on air. "Technically, I have a plan," says Casey. Dan asks what it is. "It's Napoleon's plan," says Casey. "Who's Napoleon?" asks Dan. Casey tells him Napoleon was a nineteenth-century French emperor. "You're cracking wise with me now?" says Dan, who was just now himself either cracking wise or asking a really dumb question, so maybe he should relax. Casey says that Napoleon's plan was a two-parter: "First we show up, then we see what happens." They sit down at the desk. "That was his plan," says Dan. Casey says yeah. "Against the Russian army," says Dan. Casey says yes again. Dan says that it's almost hard to believe Napoleon lost. Then Dan explains to Alison that since he and Casey are pantsless, she should either avert her eyes or take off her own pants. Oh, sure -- when he tries that, it's cute, but when I do it, it's all official reprimands and work probation. ["It's right there in your contract in black and white: 'No thongs.' What'd you expect?" -- Sars] "I'll avert my eyes," says Allison. That's my girl! Casey says she should know that he plays squash three times a week and his calves have been called "shapely." Fortunately, Allison is not swayed. Dan tells Casey that he's going to step in. Casey doesn't want him to, but Dan says the discussion is closed. Then, almost as an afterthought just before they go live, Dan asks Casey who's been calling his calves shapely. Casey says his mother has. "'Kay," says Dan, without changing expression, "don't talk to me for the rest of the show." Heh! They go live.

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