Sports Night
The Cut Man Cometh

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B- | 2 USERS: A+
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The Cut Man Cometh

Dana and Casey go back into the control room to watch the fight. We see the fakest-looking boxing match ever on one of the monitors. You can’t even see an audience. Casey predicts they’ll start out slow and he’s blah-blahing when we hear (not see) a crack, and everybody jumps. One of the boxers is down. Dana starts yelling, "Get up!" but I guess he couldn’t hear her because he’s counted out. Fight’s over. Pause, then all hell breaks loose in the control room and Dan and Casey scramble to get back to the set and the crew starts yelling things at each other like "stand by, all systems" and "I need animation" and "sixty seconds" and "not on my watch!" and "don’t you die on me!" and stuff like that. Dan bitches about the fight lasting seven seconds. "The fight game is complex," says Casey. "The fight game sucks," says Dan. "What should we talk about?" asks Casey. Let’s talk about super-letdown boxing matches that result when an underqualified boxer’s manager pays off the federation to increase his boxer’s ranking and get him an undeserved shot at the title, shall we? No, Dan says since the fight lasted only seven seconds, they’ll have to go back to counting states. We learn that Dan and Casey were blocked for eighteen minutes of analysis, and now have to fill an hour and a half. Dan puts on his bravest face and says, "Well! Welcome back!" and calls the match an "example of just how good this sport can be," as if anyone watching would agree, and I have a feeling the bullshit is going to start flying fast and furious now. Dan says something about breaking the fight down "nanosecond by nanosecond," which was pretty funny. They go back to "Chuck," who again doesn’t respond until Dan calls him Cut Man. "What do you suppose happened there?" asks Dan. "First-round knockout, Dan," says Cut Man. Maybe Kimmel’s nickname should be Mr. Insightless Analysis.

The Hammer comes in, pissed that Natalie didn’t wake him up before the fight started. Dana reminds him that Natalie is not his nanny. The Hammer asks Jeremy what he’s missed so far, so poor Jeremy is the one who has to tell the Hammer that the fight is already over, but with 88 minutes of coverage left, he has a hunch they’ll be able to replay it a couple more times. Dana tells Casey to ask Cut Man what Rivera was throwing. "It was a right hook with a bit of a jab," says Cut Man. "A jabby right hook," deadpans Casey, which made me laugh. "And he did it with his left hand." Cut Man explains, "This fighter’s got remarkable skills," which made me laugh again. Dana gives Natalie shit about how she thought the guys were supposed to be prepared. Into the mic, she says, "Let me see some of that homework you’re supposed to have done, Casey." Casey gets this "all right, fuck it" look on his face and says, "Cut Man, this has to be a heartbreaking loss for Clayton Willis, do you think the outcome would have been any different if Willis had taken mild doses of physic to work on his bowels?" and Cut Man says, "No doubt about it, Casey." The Hammer incredulously says, "Bowels?!" and Jeremy stands up and says, "Who the hell gave that question to Casey?" and Natalie tells him to sit down, which he does.

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