Star Trek
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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Fourth TOS Movie? The Hell It Is!
Vulcan. Kirk and Ko. have been exiled on Vulcan for three months and, at Bones' suggestion, they have painted "H.M.S. Bounty" on their stolen Klingon ship. People, people, people -- let's face reality, okay? Any ship of Kirk's is really the Shatner Ship Booty. As Kirk determines that Uhura, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov have voted unanimously to return to Earth with him to face the consequences of rescuing Spock, a Vulcan team rotates the tires on the S.S. Booty. This is where I have to ask: what's up with the red Papa Smurf hats the Vulcan pit crew are wearing? Do they want to be garden gnomes? I'm really scaring myself with all the Smurf references, actually. Scotty says that he'll have the S.S. Booty up and running in a day. Bones bitches about having to fly to their court-martial in a Klingon "flea trap." Kirk dabs a little Exposition from his brow and reminds Bones of the Klingon cloaking device the S.S. Booty possesses. Suddenly, Kirk gazes soulfully up at the pulsing red Vulcan mountains. A cloaked figure stands in the distance and gazes back at Kirk. What saucy Vulcan female has attracted the captain's girdled attentions? The cloaked figure turns on its heel and sashays down the mountain away from Kirk and his lynched-up loins. Kirk's face falls. His lip trembles. The cloaked figure enters an adobe hut in the Mesa Verde cliff dwellings. It's Spock. He pulls off his hood and commands a computer to "resume testing." Spock puts himself through a barrage of tests where, to show how multi-tasking Vulcans are, three different questions are asked almost simultaneously. The final question, "How do you feel?" stumps Spock. He doesn't answer. The question is asked again. And again. Spock cocks his head at the computer and responds, "I do not understand the question." Spock's mother, Amanda, comes in from the next room, where she was undoubtedly knitting pointed earmuffs, and asks what's wrong. Spock tells her he doesn't understand the question. "Well, you're half human," Amanda expositions-one-purls-two, "the computer knows that." Spock thinks the question is irrelevant. Amanda explains that since he's been "retraining" his mind in the Vulcan way, he might not yet understand feelings. "But, as my son, you have them. They will resurface," Amanda explains. "As you wish, since you deem them of value, but I cannot wait here to find them," Spock answers, rather illogically if you ask me. Spock goes on to explain that he has to return to Earth with Kirk and Ko., "to offer testimony." "You do this for friendship," Amanda states. "I do it because I was there," Spock points out, avoiding all inferences of emotional or romantic motives. Amanda asks about the good of the many outweighing the good of the one. Spock thinks he could live by that. "But then you stand here alive because of a mistake made by your flawed, feeling, human friends. They have sacrificed their future because they believed the good of the one -- you -- was more important to them," Amanda explains. Spock determines that humans make illogical decisions. "They do indeed," Amanda smiles. Amanda's cool.

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