Star Trek
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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Fourth TOS Movie? The Hell It Is!
S.S. Booty. Uhura plays back the President Papa Smurf's planetary distress message, which basically tells everyone to stay away from Earth and save themselves. It's quite pathetically martyristic, actually. Wilson has almost totally ionized the atmosphere, no one has any power, and the oceans are being vaporized. In other words, four more years with Dubya. President Papa Smurf says that until they can find a way to communicate with Wilson, they're screwed. "Farewell," President Papa Smurf adds. Stricken, Kirk sits down. He gazes over at Spock and then rubs his forehead in despair, realizing that if they aren't court-martialed, they lose the chance of sharing a cozy little cell. Kirk asks Uhura to play back Wilson's transmission. The waves of screeches wash and over the ship. Kirk asks for Spock's opinion. "Most unusual. An unknown form of energy of great power and intelligence evidently unaware that its transmissions are destructive. I find it illogical that its intentions should be hostile." Bones is skeptical and sarcastic: "Really? You think this is its way of saying 'Hi, there!' to the people of Earth?" Spock sniffs at this: "There are other forms of intelligence on Earth, Doctor. Only human arrogance would assume that the message must be meant for man." In order for his krill-sized brain to process this, Kirk needs to repeat what Spock said: "You're suggesting that the transmission is meant for a life form other than man?" Spock thinks it's a possibility, and notes that President Papa Smurf said that Wilson was aiming at Earth's oceans. And as Kirk starts to figure the whole thing out, I'm passing this over to Sara. Lead on, McRecapper. Why, thank you, Keckler. I'm glad your eyes have recovered from your last 7th Heaven recapping experience. Sadly, mine have not. I've actually been recapping blind for the last six months. Kirk asks Uhura to filter out the annoying volleyball noises into what one would hear if one, oh, say, lived in the ocean. And maybe had ears like a whale. A humpback whale, perhaps. Happy to finally have something to do, Uhura accomplishes the task in under two seconds. Well, it was good while it lasted, wasn't it, Uhura? She plays the filtered volleyball noises to the crew, and they're only slightly less aurally unpleasant. Spock calls the sounds "fascinating," because he kind of finds everything fascinating. He says that he has a hunch, and he's going to test it. Kirk follows, instructing Bones to stay behind. McCoy codgers that he's going with them because someone needs to control the madness. And also because he doesn't want to be stuck on the bridge with creepy Sulu for company.

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