Star Trek
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

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Fourth TOS Movie? The Hell It Is!
Kirk asks Scotty if he can convert an empty cargo bay into a water tank. Well, it's not totally empty -- I think this is the Klingon ship's attic, with all the dust and boxes. There's even a dress mannequin in the corner. Wait, that's not a dress mannequin, that's Bones! I knew it was him because mannequins don't look so angry. Scotty asks Kirk if he's trying to build a pool on their ship or something. Kirk says he actually wants a hot tub, and one big enough to fit himself and all his lady friends. And also two humpbacks. "Humpbacked…people?" Scotty asks, wondering if even Kirk could be that desperate. Kirk explains that they're looking for whales, and leaves with Bones trailing behind him. Bones exposits Kirk's plan to Kirk -- in case he forgot, I guess. By the way, Bones thinks Kirk's plan to attempt to go back in time, find some whales, get them on the ship, and then go back…to the future! (tm Christopher Lloyd) on the slim chance that the whales might be able to communicate with the probe and tell it to leave Earth alone is insane. Just in case you thought this would be the one time where Bones was all "a mission involving danger and a journey into the unknown? Sounds great!" Kirk asks Bones if he has any better ideas. Well, he can't have any that are worse. Back at Starfleet, the roof is leaking. Apparently we still haven't found a cure for shoddy workmanship in the future. Starfleet receives an incoming message from Kirk, but the weather has made it all garbled. Even so, they hear enough of the message to know that Kirk is taking his ship back in time to get some whales. Then all the windows break and everyone freaks out. Except Sarek, who looks bored. The S.S. Booty roars towards the sun! Inside, Kirk asks Spock where in time they're going. Spock can only say the late twentieth century; he couldn't make any calculations more specific than that, and most of the ones he used were from memory anyway. Kirk can't believe that Spock remembered all those calculations, but if he didn't think Spock knew all that stuff, why did he assign him this task in the first place? McCoy mutters, "Angels and ministers of grace, defend us," to which Spock responds by telling him exactly which Shakespeare play he's quoting from, and which act and scene it appears in. I have upsetting flashbacks to the quote identification quizzes I used to have during my college Shakespeare class. Kirk tells the crew to get the ship ready for awesomeness, then spouts his own Shakespeare quote because he just can't be outdone by anyone in anything ever.

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Star Trek

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