Star Trek
Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | 4 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Where Nomad has gone before
Okay. So, after hearing again and again how completely shite this film is from everyone on the boards, Mathra, my super, a chick at Starbucks, and the two Siamese cats next door, it was still SEVERAL tries before we even got through the opening credits. I kid you not. Why? A reasonable question. Because I was talking, and Mathra got irritated and kept hitting "rewind" because he wanted to "hear the Klingon music." He goes around the house singing it, "Ba-BA-ba-BA-ba-BA!" He has an uncanny ability to vocally imitate any and all instruments. ["Not to mention the voices of other people. Back in college, I heard my own voice inexplicably booming out of the men's room a few times." -- Sars] It sounds cool, but not when you live with it day in and day out. Also, as much as he professes to hate this movie beyond all belief, he ran out and rented the DVD, then proceeded to move his PC out onto the dining room table, set it up opposite my laptop, and propose that we watch both the tape and the director's cut at the same time for the recapping procedure. I didn't protest. We're such geeks. It's definitely weird to hear what I recognize as the theme music for The Next Generation as the original score for this movie. Weird misty cloudy thing in outer space meeting a handful of Klingon vessels. "First use of windows on a Klingon vessel," Mathra crows, and then hits rewind because he missed a bar or two. Inside a cockpit, we see the Klingons going into the cloud for a closer look. I don't know why they need to, because judging by the aspects of the music Mathra doesn't sing, they're clearly fighting a KISS concert. "First sight of bumpy foreheads!" Mathra announces, and rewinds. The Klingons play Pong in order to attack the cloud thing. Federation starbase. We hear fuzzy calls back and forth from the starbase to various ships. Inside the starbase, the technicians receive word of an intruder alert described as a "luminescent cloud," and believed to be "an enormous power field surrounding alien vessel." On a screen, we can see the face of an irate Klingon. The starbase computer reports that the Klingons continue to attack the cloud. We get "an exterior visual" that a tech on the starbase calls up for their and our viewing pleasure. Bursts of light come out of the flattened spaces of the cloud and completely vaporize a Klingon vessel in the type of lightning bolts you remember seeing coming out of The Emperor's hands in Return of the Jedi. The Klingon captain of the last surviving Klingon vessel (played by Mark Lenard) fires a shot at an incoming light burst from the cloud. His shot passes right through the light burst, and his ship is engulfed in static electricity and destroyed.

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Star Trek

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