Episode Report CardKeckler: A | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Thrust, parry, jump, slash. Spock slashes a slash in Kirk's shirt, exposing his chest. How in the world he managed not to slash his Man Nipples off, I can't conceive. You know, as much face-time as Kirk's Nipples get, you'd think they would insist on top billing, or at the very least "recurring guest star" status. Kirk looks annoyed, but probably feels more of a cooling breeze now. T'Pring looks bored. Slash, jump, parry, thrust. Kirk ducks, and Spock hits the Coffin Gong, breaking it along a pre-perforated crack. Feint right. Spock drops his weapon. Kirk leaps on him. Feint left. Touché. Spock takes Kirk's weapon away and breaks it. Bones looks concerned. Spock chases Kirk around with his weapon. Grabbing hold of the weapon, Kirk flips Spock into the sand. Spock flips Kirk into the sand too and proceeds to aim for his head. "Spock! No!" Bones shouts. Spock misses as Kirk dodges. Kirk must've kicked him in the stomach next, because Spock sails backward without his weapon. T'Pau stands up and shouts, "Kroykah!" This must mean stop, because they do. Bones asks T'Pau, "Is this Vulcan chivalry? The air's too hot and thin for Kirk. He's not used to it." T'Pau delivers the best line of the episode: "Zee air ees zee air." She asks what Bones proposes. Bones rips into his magic bag of medical stuff and holds up a hypospray: "I can compensate for the atmosphere and the temperature with this. At least it will give Kirk a fighting chance." T'Pau tells him to go for it. Bones administers the hypospray. Kirk pants. Bones tells Kirk that he's going to have to kill Spock. Kirk won't do it. Then Kirk asks what Bones is plying him with, and Bones tells him it's a "triox compound" that will help him breathe. Me, I just use Albuterol. Bones warns Kirk to be careful. "Sound medical advice," Kirk snarks. Bones goes back to his place on the sidelines, and T'Pau calls out for the ahn woon. I should ask Manimal if her family had anything to do with inventing that device. The Abacus Bells ring, and the two prizefighters are presented with whip-strap-belt thingies. Kirk makes a gesture with his hand like he doesn't know what in hell he's supposed to do with it. Spock shows him by lassoing Kirk around the knees and pulling him to the ground. More tussling. Rolling in the sand. Ooh -- watch out for the papier-mâché fire pit. Punching. Then Spock wraps his ahn woon around Kirk's neck and strangles him. Kirk goes limp. T'Pau yells out, "Kroykah!" and Spock looks suddenly aware of what just happened. Weird Vulcan looks as he has this whole episode -- weird. T'Pring looks snidely intrigued.