Episode Report CardKeckler: B | Grade It Now!
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How do you know it's summer? Well, it's not when Dairy Queen comes up with repulsive new flavor combinations based on the most recent animated box office poison. And it's not when grocery store tomatoes taste a little more like something you actually want to put in your mouth, rather than cardboard boxes that have been left in the rain for seven weeks. Nope, you know it's summer when Keckler gets over her Enterprise bitchui, waits an hour, and dips her polished toes into the Kirkinated waters of TOS. Kirk and Co. come across a mysterious vessel that shows signs of mechanics and life, but does not respond to hails. Uhura says she picks up a Morse code signal: "C-Q, C-Q." Ohmigod! That's gotta be a shout-out! Oh, wait, wrong show. Kirk impatiently tells Uhura to stop repeating "C-Q." Dude, how's the weather up your own ass? Bones tells Kirk that he's picking up weak heartbeats from sixty or seventy bodies. He's not sure if they are human or not, but he knows they don't appear to be breathing. Kirk orders that all decks go to "Full Alert," which seems to mean that everyone runs about a lot not really doing anything. Enterprise glides alongside the derelict vessel. Spock reports that the name of the comaed ship is the S.S. Botany Bay. Having seen Wrath of Khan more times than my liver cares to own up to, my reaction to this announcement was predictable: "Dun, dun, DUN!" Spock reveals that the ship comes from the mid-1990s, a time when Earth was going through its final World War. Kirk squints, and Bones supplies, "The Eugenics Wars." Ah, the Eugenics Wars -- a time when girls in metallic poodle skirts were cloned back to innocence, twinkly-eyed scientists performed inhumane and immoral experiments on living subjects, and The Boswell Dodecatuplets sang "Kiss The Boys Goodbye Because They'll Be Seeing You In A Genetically Perfected Form The Next Time You Meet Again." Good times. Good times. "Of course," Spock remembers. "Your attempt to improve the race through selective breeding." Bones tells the good Vulcan to withhold judgement, since not all of humanity was behind the New Creepy Deal: "A group of ambitious scientists -- I'm sure you know the type, devoted to logic, completely unemotional --" Spock starts to argue with him but Kirk, having nothing intellectual to contribute and tired of not having any lines, breaks it up and gives orders to lock a tractor beam on the Coma Ship. Kirk orders Bones to be a member of the landing party, and leaves Spock in charge. "Oh, and I'll need someone familiar with late-twentieth-century Earth, it'll be a chance for that historian to do something for a change -- what's her name, uh, McIvers?" Kirk says, and walks off. "Lieutenant McGivers," Spock corrects him as the doors close behind him. "Yeah, that dismissiveness loosely translates into the fact that he hit on her when she first came aboard, she rejected him, and now he's pretending not to remember her name when, in reality, it's at the forefront of his bruised ego twenty-four-seven and more on Sundays," Mathra offers, munching on a day-old delicacy from Hoagie Haven.