Star Trek
Star Trek, The Original Series: “Plato’s Stepchildren”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B | Grade It Now!
Keckler's Apologia
In another marble hall with pillars, a few more togaed individuals congregate languidly around a man stretched out on a red velvet fainting couch. A segment of the floor is made up of a black-and-white checkerboard with life-sized chess pieces, and various gold-leaf occasional tables stand around occasionally. A woman with red hair done up in an elaborate Grecian chignon glides over in her gold braid-trimmed green toga, welcomes the away team to their "republic," and asks which one of them is a doctor. Bones steps up and asks what the problem is. "My spouse, his leg. Come this way," Chignon says, and swishes toward the red velvet Lounge Lizard. Bones looks the Lounge Lizard over and asks him what happened to his leg. "I suppose I scratched it," Lounge Lizard tells him from under his crown of golden laurel leaves. Bones is confused and tells him his "scratch" should have been attended to a long time ago. "Sheer ignorance," Lounge Lizard tells him. "Is there anything you can do?" Bones assures him he's going to try. Do or do not. There is no try. Chignon settles herself in a chair and watches intently. Bones unsnaps his medical fanny pack to get a hypospray of painkiller. The hypospray floats out on its own and hovers near Lounge Lizard, who asks, "Where?" Bones tells him where to stick it, and the hovering hypo sprays itself in Lounge Lizard's arm. Then Bones snatches at the hovering hypo and examines it. Alexander turns to Chignon and says, "Philana, they came to help. They deserve better than to die -- ARGHH!" The "ARGHH!" comes from Alexander's hand cramming itself into his mouth. Philana of the Chignon tells Alexander that he talks too much. Bones attends to his writhing patient by examining him with a tricorder, as Kirk splits a log: "When [the Platonians'] planet novaed a millenni[um] ago, they transported themselves to Earth during the time of Socrates and Plato. After the death of the Greek civilization they idolized, they came to this planet and created for themselves a utopia patterned after it." Wonder why the Enterprise crew didn't want to mention that they ran into Apollo last season? And killed him, too. Well, I guess it's a fair question: "Who Mourns For Adonais?" Alexander hauls the life-sized chess pieces around the board, while two Philostrates use The Force to make theirs move. Parmen asks about Bones's findings and is told, grouchily, that he'll let His High And Mightiness know once he figures it out. "And from now on, it would be better if I handled the instruments without your help!" Bones crabs. Philana moves to adjust a purple plush pillow under Parmen's head. Bones joins Spock and Kirk, who wonder aloud how an infection like that could have come from so slight a wound. Bones admits that he doesn't get it either; furthermore, he can't treat an infection when his tricorder readings don't display Platonius's resident bacteria. Mimicking me on Wednesday nights during the regular television season, Parmen writhes and moans a bit as Bones says the only thing he can do is attempt to match the infection with known ConAgra-peddled E.coli strains and hope for the best. Alexander moves a chess piece and announces to one of the Philostrates, "Your Pan is in jeopardy." The Philostrate "hmms" superciliously and gestures at a piece, which lifts in the air and moves across the board. "It isn't now -- I win!" he says grandly. And a bit effeminately, if truth be told. "Well played, Eraclitis," the other Philostrate tells him. "I thank you, Dionyd," Eraclitus The Slack-Jawed Yokel trills as they walk off. Probably to visit the vomitorium by way of an orgy-feast. Oh, but that was the Romans, wasn't it? Still fitting, in my opinion.

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