Episode Report CardKeckler: B | Grade It Now!
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Oh, dear -- I do hope I don't offend a bunch of ancient Romans or Greeks out there by saying so because if do, they'll probably stuff my inbox with irate emails which I couldn't possibly read without Pliny the Elder's help. I mean, judging by the obnoxious email I got after my last recap, haranguing me for saying that Mathra was in Park City, Mormonia, there are tons of people out there just gagging to be offended. For the record, I was NOT insulting Mormons, the Church of LDS, or the state of Utah. It happens to be fact -- and not something my recapper's mind just pulled out of thin air -- that the state of Utah is heavily populated by Mormons. Just like Romania has Romanians, Albania has Albanians, Australia has Australians, California has Californians -- do I need to go on? The freeze-dried fact is, I said nothing derogatory about the religion or its followers. If I had said "Mor-mania," I can see how that might give rise to heated emotions, but as it happens, I didn't, so before you start doing The Pee-Pee Dance (tm Wing) Of Righteous Indignation, give two seconds of thought to what I actually wrote! I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a cracker, people -- get a sense of humor! Philana sashays over, and Kirk inquires as to how long they've had their psychokinetic abilities. "Two-and-a-half --" Philana starts to say, but changes her mind and says, "Ever since our arrival here on Platonius." Spock asks how the power is transmitted. "Brainwaves," Philana tells him. "Do these brainwaves cease when you're asleep?" Spock wants to know. "No, not if they're embedded in the unconscious," Philana tells him diffidently. Bones, examining various plastic slides and tubes, demands, "What about medicine? Why no doctors?" Philana tells him they've had "no pressing need" for them. Yeah, "enlightened society," my cat's fuzzed fanny. Bones looks concerned, and Philana explains, "You see, while still on Sahndara, we instituted a mass eugenics program. We are the result. Pared down to a population of thirty-eight, we're perfect for our utopia. We're bred for contemplation, and self-reliance, and longevity. How old do you think I am?" Philana asks Spock, adding that she's not at all vain so he needn't worry about offending her. "Thirty-five," Spock tells her almost ironically, with his arms crossed. Philana looks surprised: "That old?" She feels her neck and tells them she stopped aging at thirty but is in reality two thousand three hundred years old. Maybe it's time for her to start using Estee Lauder's Fruition Extra Multi-Action Complex, twice a day on clean skin. She looks to Bones for his reaction, but he doesn't really have one. "We were married very young," Philana preens. "I was only one hundred and seventeen and he was one hundred and twenty-eight. [So, they'll be celebrating their Dilithium Anniversary soon -- Mazel Tov!] So you see we scarcely have to move anymore, let alone work." Then why aren't they obese with bedsores? Kirk hypothesizes that their lack of movement and work is why they have no resistance, and Philana confirms that a cut or a break in the skin can be fatal. And these "contemplators," these "academicians," think this is a smart way to live? Maybe they should look into investing in a couple thousand acres of Bubble Boy Real Estate.