Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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We zoom up on a planet and pan across a painted backdrop that's supposed to be sensitive equipment and stuff in caves. Wow. That backdrop would be, like, amazing work for a show like Pinky and the Brain, but for this? It's just so lousy. Come to think of it, even the folks at Pinky and the Brain could do better. A man in an orange Jeffrey Dahmer jumpsuit skulks around the caverns and demands, "Who's there?" of his echo. A couple more orange jumpsuits join him, assuring them it's only them. You know, the one thing I really admire about these old cave sets is how early they picked up on the sparkly make-up trend. And then the Bog of Eternal Stench started wearing it in the eighties. Caves are such trendsetters. Sets today wouldn't be caught dead sparkling on the cavewalk -- it's matte foundation all the way to minimize the greasy effect. The Jumpsuits talk about some "thing" that's killed fifty people. "I neveh realized befoah how dahk it is down'ere," a Jumpsuit says. Head Jumpsuit tells "Schmitter" (I thought he said "Schmear") to keep on his toes with his phaser at the ready. I'm not really sure what's up with all the Brooklyn Tawk here, but it's like the actors are trying to take on the personas of New York Metro workers: they're underground, it's dark, there's a killer on the loose, and they have these accents. Schmear babbles about how useless their phasers are since all "dose udder" people got killed. Head Jumpsuit apologizes that Schmear's such a yellowbelly but explains that they need guards. He tells Schmear to call out if he needs help: "Someone will be here in tree minutes." "A lot can happen in tree minutes," Schmear grins nervously before confirming that Enterprise is on her way to rescue them. He wonders if the ship can get there in the next four hours. "You'll be all right," Head Jumpsuit says, clapping him on the shoulder. Schmear is so smeared. With a little bit of lox. Schmear walks around in circles before we hear what captioning would have us believe is a "fiery noise," but I think it's just someone scuffing their hands down the Styrofoam rocks. Schmear turns around, filled with fear. And now the cameraman is the attacker as this big hairy blanket surges up and throws itself on Schmear. Hearing the scream, the Jumpsuits all run back to Schmear. "Schmear," Head Jumpsuit says. "Like the rest of them. Burned to a crisp." That's what happens when you eat pizza without blowing on it first.