Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Scotty and his team do stuff to dostuffies. Kirk checks on their progress before he's called back by Spock. In parting, Kirk advises his Chief Engineer, "Scotty, ride herd on it. Kind words, tender loving care. Kiss it. Baby it. Flatter it if you have to but Keep. It. GOING." Kirk seems to be confusing the floozle with one of his floo-zies. Kirk tells the new security team how to order out for pizza. Vanderberg wants the security team to eat the pizza on site. Kirk wants the team to go to level at which the silicon medicine balls were first discovered. The security team looks around. Spock scans and finds a silicon lifeform. He and Kirk track it. On his own, a security guy succumbs to the effect of asking for a both anchovies and pineapple as toppings. Kirk and Spock hear the scream and run over, ready to administer Maalox if necessary. Alas, they are too late. The guy is heartburned to a crisp. As Kirk has A Moment with the results of acid reflux, Spock goes looking for the pizza and finds a perfectly cylindrical tunnel. Spock announces that the creature went through it just moments ago. They are amazed at the length and depth of the tunnel, lamenting that even their best machinery couldn't cut a tunnel like that. They hear a "fiery noise" and spin around. Well, there it is: the Horta. It's truly pathetic. In fact, I want to say it's even worse than the Gorn, which, for all its lockjaw Studio 54 sartorial sense, was just a man in a cardboard lizard costume. This? Is like that scene in Young Sherlock Holmes when Young Watson gets hit by the hallucinogenic dart and has a surreal encounter with talking pastries. The Horta honestly looks like a giant pizza got draped over two midgets who were then directed to crawl "menacingly" on their knees. Spock and Kirk both fire at the Horta, which quivers and reverses quickly. The brown shag peaking out underneath reminds me of the red, orange, and brown Danish Modern rug my parents used to have in our den. My little sister threw up island punch Capri Sun on that rug and you couldn't even tell. Spock and Kirk jog after the Horta, which disappears into another self-made tunnel. They marvel that something that big can travel so quickly. You can tell Kirk is quite, quite jealous. And for two bucks more you can get breadsticks and a litre of Coke! A few security guys join the party and ask if they're okay. Kirk nods, barely acknowledging them as Spock babbles about the maze of tunnels the Horta has carved out all over the place. "Did you get a shot at it?" one of the security guys asks. Kirk gestures at the floor: "Yeah, we took a bite out of it." See? PIZZA! Spock picks up the slice and examines it. Uh, Spock? I know you're the Science Officer and I'm just a recapper in love, but is it really a good idea to pick that up when you've seen what the Horta does to rock and flesh? Spock guesses that the slice of Horta is very much like fibrous asbestos, proving his idea that the creature is silicon-based, and says that the Horta can move through rocks as easily as they move through air. He moves through the rocks with the greatest of ease, that dangerous old Horta in the parmesan cheese! I've really been spending too much time in a hot kitchen today. I'm feeling light-headed. "That would account for the tunnels," Kirk over-explains. I love how they're totally ignoring the two security guys. "Correct," Spock continues. "This creature's body secretes an extremely powerful corrosive." "Powerful enough to dissolve the door of the reactor chamber," Kirk adds. THEN WHY ARE YOU HOLDING IT?! Even though we've already seen several shots of "When Pizzas Attack," Spock also feels the need to explain that the corrosive is why the men burned the roofs of their mouths to death. Kirk FINALLY turns back to the security dudes and says they injured the Horta and might be able to kill it if they amass phaser power. Kirk crouches in front the tunnel. We get a long shot from the other end of the tunnel, looking back at him. The security dudes mimic Kirk's crouch as he tells them, "Pass this on to your men...we knew it was a killer. Now...it's WOUNDED...probablyinpain...somewhere...back...there. There's nothingmoredangerous...than a WOUNDED animal."