Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Spock and Kirk determine that the messages they received in the last forty-eight hours from Cestus III were all faked, because the fall of the colony happened several days ago. Kirk orders his redshirt tacticians to investigate different places. They find a survivor and try to get him to talk. "Keep him alive, Bones, I wanna know what's been happening here," Kirk orders. Hey, that's pretty callous -- how about keeping him alive because it's a nice thing to do? Obviously, if he's alive, he might be able to tell you what happened, but it might be more polite not to mention that angle while the guy is, you know, dying. Spock gets another life-reading, but they aren't warm-blooded: "Living creatures, but not human." There goes that "duh-DUH!" music -- so Trek, so classically ironic in our cynical world today. In fact, I wonder if Star Trek invented the "duh-DUH!" Kirk sends a redshirt to check out the location of the chilled life-sign. The redshirt steps away about three feet, says, "Captain, I think I see something!" and then his body turns all red and he disappears. I think he just died of embarrassment. Suddenly, they're all under attack from a source unknown. Kirk wants to get beamed up, but Sulu tells him Enterprise is also under attack and they have their defense shields up. Mathra informs me that this is the first episode to mention that the transporter beam is impotent when the defense shields are up. Thrilling. Kirk orders Sulu to fire all phasers, which don't do any damage to the defense-screened alien ship. Kirk next tells the helmsman to do whatever is necessary to protect Enterprise, including leaving orbit. Sulu signs off. "If they lower those screens to beam us up, they'll be open to phaser attack," Kirk tells Spock. Yes, we got that already, Capt. Sexplanation, and I'm sure it wasn't news to your Science Officer either! Spock comments that their hand phasers can't compete against the disrupters the unseen enemy is using, but Kirk says, "We'll have to make do with what we've got." They all make a run for safety, carrying the casualty with them. Kirk sends more redshirts out into the fray. Kirk frets, "We're helpless down here, and the Enterprise --" "Sulu's an experienced combat officer, Captain," Spock interrupts. "It's my ship, Spock, I shouldbethere!" Kirk interrupts right back. Kirk asks if Spock remembers where the arsenal is; Spock does, but he thinks it's risky. Of course, it's a risk Kirk's willing to take. Do you remember when you were an idiot child and putting your forehead down on a bat and the bat down on the ground and running in circles until you threw up your PB&J was considered fun? Okay, now do you remember how -- after you spat out the last Wonderbread crust -- you then ran across the schoolyard and tried to run a straight line but ended up listing severely to one side? Good. Now put Kirk in the place of your sandwich-hurling self. He starts running in this crazy zig-zag -- which only works if you're avoiding an alligator, not bombs -- across the compound. A shell explodes near him, so Kirk's double-vaults and dives into a somersault. Once upright, Kirk again comm-orders Sulu to do whatever is necessary to protect "his" ship. Sulu tries to protest that they can't leave them behind. "Never mind about me!" Kirk shouts. Well, that was understood, maybe even welcomed, but what about Bones and Spock? I mind about them! Sulu announces that their photon torpedoes are negative, and prepares to leave orbit.