Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Kirk is really stymied when Spock says that the source of the power holding them is unidentifiable. Suddenly, the viewscreen goes psychedelic, and an echoing voice addresses them: "We are the Metrons." "Could they sound more like a rock band? Hello, Red Rock -- we! Are! The Metrons!" Mathra plays air guitar and makes noises with his mouth. Don't worry, he does have another job -- it just doesn't start until the end of September. The Metrons start what I predict is going to be a very long-winded mission statement regarding what they plan to do with the alien ship and Enterprise. Oy -- to sum up, the Metrons are bugged by the fact that both ships have come into their space with violence in their spleens. The Metrons scanned each ship and discovered that both races have truculent DNA; therefore, they plan to force the truculent ones to fight it out. The Metrons will choose the location and oversee WWF (Worldwide Wankering Federation). As a sort of afterthought, the Metrons mention that they don't have a high opinion of either race's intelligence. Both Kirk and the Captain of the Gorn ship will be sent to a planet on which there exist materials necessary to construct the crudest weapons. Heh -- weapons that sit on your couch in their underwear and burp and scratch themselves all day. They will also both be given a recording-translating device in case they feel like hashing out their differences over a flirtini. Apparently, the recording device is also there in case either opponent feels like LiveJournalling a chronicle of "Kirk vs. Gorn," which will then be linked to websites all over the universe as a future deterrent for others who might want to squat in Metronland. Furthermore, Kirk and the Gorn will be all by their lonesomes on the planet and prevented from communicating with their ships. "What makes you think you can interfere --" Kirk starts to say. "It is you who are interfering, we are just putting a stop to it," Mr. Metron says. The winner is determined by last man standing, and the loser, in addition to a one-way ticket to the fabulous and tropical getaway of The Underworld where he can drink pomegranate juice cocktails all day, gets his ship blown up. "The contest will be one of ingenuity against ingenuity. Brute strength against brute strength." "Bad costume against bad acting," Mathra snickers. "The results will be final," Mr. Metron proclaims. Kirk tries to say something. "There will be no discussion. It is done," Mr. Metron Gods. Kirk vanishes from the Bridge, and Uhura screams ear-splittingly. Oh, just sit down -- your over-acted hysteria is resented and demanded to be removed from the scene by Shatner.