Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Kirk reappears in California. And sees the Gorn. Oh, no. No, no, no! This is so sad. This isn't scary -- this isn't an alien to be reckoned with! This is a University of Florida mascot queened up in one of Samantha's dresses from last season! "I warned you," Mathra notes smugly. Lyle the Crocodile is modeling a really unflattering halter dress with this wild geometric pattern in golds, pinks, and oranges, and it's got a really short skirt. He's a Drag Gorn, and he's going to attitude Kirk to death, isn't he? Vasquez Rocks rises in the background, framing Kirk and RuGorn's face-off, and Kirk brings Just Tuned In-ers up to speed by VO-ing a description of the RuGorn: "Large, reptilian -- like most humans I seem to have an instinctive revulsion to reptiles." Are you sure you aren't just seeing a little of your own Glamazon in RuGorn and maybe, just maybe, covet that figure skater's costume with a hunger too insane to be named? Kirk VOs that the he must remember RuGorn is intelligent and highly advanced, and just as he says this, RuGorn breaks a branch off from a tree. Can we discuss "intelligent and highly advanced" for a moment? RuGorn easily outweighs Kirk here by a few stone, his arms are easily thicker than Kirk's neck, and he's got really sharp teeth -- what makes him think he needs the branch? I guess the fact that RuGorn's mouth seems to be perpetually half ajar without budging an inch in either direction might be the reason why he thinks he can't Marv Albert Kirk. Kirk trots over to a tree on his side and tries to break off a branch. He struggles with a thick one, can't get it off, and opts for a skinnier one. Ahem. Kirk goes on to list RuGorn's finer qualities: "The captain of a starship, like myself, undoubtedly a dangerously clever opponent." Is Kirk talking about himself there? Because I think he's trying to imply that he too is "dangerously clever," and there's just something deep in my small intestine that doesn't want to buy that for some reason. Then RuGorn comes toward him, hissing like an irate teapot, and Kirk throws away his stick. Ah, there's the reason. RuGorn breaks his stick on the skeleton of tree that Kirk is crouching behind, so Kirk thinks it's a fantastic idea to leap out and fully expose himself to hand-to-claw combat with the man in the lizard costume. Maybe Kirk knows something we don't, because Polly Put The Kettle On here moves like a sumo wrestler fighting his way through a jar of fruits of the forest confiture. RuGorn lurches toward Kirk and -- dude, get a load of his leather fingerless gloves! And kneepads! RuGorn is wearing KNEEPADS! I guess that sort of goes along with the Samantha ensemble. Kirk karate-chops RuGorn a few times, but nothing happens. Look at me. I'm so surprised. Kirk tries to kick RuGorn, but RuGorn grabs his leg and flings him onto some Styrofoam rocks. This slowly goes on for so long that I take the time to admire RuGorn's sparkly silver eyes -- they look like mini disco balls. I wonder if he has light spots dancing around in his brain. That could get trippy, and also minorly distracting. RuGorn gets Kirk in a clinch. See, this is where I think he should bite him, but he doesn't! I need to get in the ring with RuGorn and coach him. They float like a butterfly and sting like a bee for a bit until Kirk smacks his palms on the broad reptilian head. RuGorn grr-hisses in "pain" and releases Kirk, who runs off up Vasquez Rock. I think all Kirk really managed to do was shift the headdress slightly, and the guy inside couldn't quite see out of those bug eyes anymore. But soft! Kirk spies some foam rocks neatly lined up in a row! He makes a big show of hefting one above his head and hurls it down at RuGorn. It bounces Styrofoamly off RuGorn's shimmery dress, and RuGorn decides to show that anything Kirk can do, he can do better. He grr-hisses over to a piece of foam the size of a dinosaur egg and, as Kirk watches with interest, lifts it over his head and tosses it up at Kirk. Kirk starts to run the other way. Somewhere between the two camera shots, the boulder completely changes its trajectory in mid-air in order to barely miss pulverizing Kirk. It must have been one of those heat-seeking boulders. Either that, or RuGorn should be pitching in the majors. Kirk scampers for cover. RuGorn grr-hisses.