Star Trek
Star Trek, The Original Series: “Arena”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Jimmy crack Gorn and I don't care
Enterprise. The crew can't do anything, and they can't figure out what is keeping them from doing anything. Vasquez Rocks. Kirk uses his translator-recording device to tell his heroic couplet. He doesn't say anything we haven't already seen, but elsewhere, RuGorn clings to an outcropping and eavesdrops. Oh, and he grr-hisses. What makes me snort my Pimm's down the wrong pipe is that RuGorn looks like he's actually trying to hide as he listens in on Kirk. Kirk records, "The Metrons -- the creatures who sent us both here -- said that the surface of the planet provides the raw There'sverylittlehere...scrub abundance of mineral deposits. SENSE." I guess it's time to think outside the girdle, Kirk. Kirk's voice trembles so much with the next line -- "Still I need to find one. Bare-handed, against the Gorn, I have no chance" -- that I'm convinced they overdubbed him reading the line while lying on one of those coin-operated vibrating beds. Seriously. I would not be surprised if Shat had one of those in his trailer. Enterprise. Spock tells Bones that all they can do is wait: "He's out there, Doctor -- out there somewhere in a thousand cubic parsecs of space and there's absolutely nothing we can do to help him." I don't know about that. You could, say, sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" down the comm-link, drive The Metrons insane with extreme discomfort, and then they would beg you to rescue Kirk as long as you JUST STOPPED SMILING! ["And took off that fugly neon sweatshirt." -- Sars] Vasquez Rocks. Kirk runs near a copse of sticks and netting acting like trees, throws some sticks around in frustration, and keeps running up the face of the rock. Meanwhile, RuGorn, in an effort to show that he's got brains as well as a dancing queen dress, fiddles with an elaborate trap. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear him chuckling evilly through his grrissing. I was quite amused by that little extra. Of course, I then expected to see RuGorn lighting the vines with a ten-foot match and TNTing himself. Somewhere in Vasquez Rocks, Kirk finds diamonds and records, "Perhaps the hardest substance known in the universe." Hey, you don't say! And all this time I thought the hardest substance in the universe was YOUR HEAD! Kirk points out that the diamonds are "beautifully crystallized and pointed, but too small to be used as a weapon." Unless they were used as projectiles exploded out of a controlled crevice with great force. Oh, sorry, I guess I should have spoiler-tagged that little bit of info. Kirk laments, "An incredible FOR-tune in stones YET I would trade THEM ALL for a hand phaser or a good solid club." It's a shame -- there's a positive dearth of clubs these days -- the last good, solid one really was The Twenty-One. And yet, well, let's face it -- getting all Dalied up in Spellbound didn't exactly do wonders for the rep. Kirk repeats that The Metrons -- he keeps calling them "The Metr-ones" as if they were a fifties revival band in green sharkskin suits with a lead singer named Matty -- told him there would be weapons on the planet, but his brain is diamond-like in it's inability to figure out where exactly these items that could destroy on a mass scale are. Wow -- how deep is that? The Metrons/George W. Bush insisted there were WMD on Vasquez Rocks/Iraq but so far, Kirk/U.N. has yet to find them! This show was SO ahead of its time. I think it only fair to let you know that I've been drinking. Deeply. Kirk runs away some more. RuGorn grrisses. I firmly believe that RuGorn's inability to close his mouth is the reason why he's such a mouth-breather. Maybe he could alleviate his sinus pressure by slapping on two-and-forty BreatheRight strips. Dude could be so much happier. And quieter.

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