Star Trek
Star Trek, The Original Series: “Spock’s Brain”

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A No-Brainer
Bones operates. There's a blue glow thrown up on his face, which makes me wonder if Spock's brain is made out of the same stuff as Indiglo watches. Kirk logs that they don't know how long Bones's Algernon knowledge will stay with him, and that any future use of the Teacher is not recommended by the Surgeon General. Remote Control Spock lies on a table with a big wall guillotining the top of his head. Scotty watches from the surgery side of the wall, but Kirk prefers to stare soulfully at Remote Control Spock from the non-bloody side. Deep Purple hangs out in the middle. Scotty screeches, "He's operating at warp speed! You know, I'd like a try at that Teacher m'self!" Deep Purple bitches that they will have Spock's brain back and her people will die. Kirk explains how much better off they'll be without the Controller, since they will be able to grow and develop in ways they haven't been allowed to do. Is EVERY TOS episode about the horrors of a stagnant society? Seems like everyone I choose to recap is! Well, maybe not the Gorn, that was just...actually, I still don't know WHAT that was. Clint Howard either. Kirk explains how the FM Boots Brigade will be able to exist and learn live with the men. He promises to help them. I'll just bet he will. He'll teach Mating 101, 102, 103, and Advanced Mating for Sex Majors. A shot looking up at Bones face shows him sweating under the blue glow of Spock's brain. Scotty calls Kirk over and hisses that Bones is forgetting. Bones dithers. Kirk tells him he can't stop now. Well, he could, but Spock would just end up like Crichton and, while funny, it's not exactly pretty. "I'm trying to thread a needle with a sledgehammer!" Bones mutters. "Bones!" Kirk prompts. "No one can restore a BRAIN!" Bones announces. Score: Parmigiano-Reggiano. Kirk reminds him that not too long ago he said it was child's play. Bones looks down and sweats through the blue light in several shots. Kirk's log feels the need to bring us up to date. You know, he always records his log as if it were happening right now, but he's really not, is he? There have been times when he's shown dodging bullets and explosives and he's like, "My dash across this minefield may prove futile but I must try." Maybe they're all really just internal monologues that he likes to call "Captain's log" so people don't think he's crazy? Kirk reveals to us that he instructed Bones to connect Spock's vocal chords, on the off-chance that Spock's brain could be of some service. Bones gasps that Spock is dying and he can't stop it. Spock rasps, "Yes, if you will finish reconnecting my speech center, I might be able to help." If his speech center wasn't fully reconnected yet, how in the world could he say that sentence? Score: Stilton. Spock continues to encourage Bones throughout the procedure. "Ahh, ahhh!" Spock groans. I don't even want to ask what Bones was connecting there. Spock's voice clears up and he says, "That's better." I see: having his speech pattern fully reconnected clears the phlegm from his throat. Spock gives more instructions. He gets quite bossy, actually. They test his nerve endings with much flopping of arms, wrists, and elbows. Bones bitches that he'll never live it down that a Vulcan told him how to operate. Finally, Bones closes, complaining that he could have made a thousand mistakes. Spock sits up. Uh, I think I see one of those mistakes, Bones. Spock still has hair -- how did you put his brain back in without shaving, trimming, or even mussing his hair? Spock stretches and then thanks and congratulates Bones. Bones asks how Spock feels, and Spock proceeds to make up for nearly an entire episode of silence by running off at the mouth about the history of this planet. "I knew it was wrong -- I shouldn't have done it!" Bones interrupts. "What's wrong?" Kirk asks, concerned. "I never should have reconnected his mouth," Bones announces. "Reconnected his mouth"? TALEGGIO! Spock tips his nose up and raises his eyebrow. The Bassoon of the Cracker Barrel Moment tootles. Scotty looks stoned. Kirk comments, "Well, we took the risk, Doctor." Spock continues on with his verbal diarrhea. Bones, Scotty, and Kirk start laughing. Kirk even takes the universal remote and tries cranking it in Spock's direction. Deep Purple just stands there, probably wishing they would all shut the hell up so she can learn about her people and how they are going to keep from dying off.

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