Star Trek
Star Trek, The Original Series: “Spock’s Brain”

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A No-Brainer
It's suddenly night outside, and Chekov tells the team, "It might be a long wait." They sit down and phaser up some rock heat. The team warms their hands over the glowing rock. That trick always cracks me up. Kirk orders phasers on stun, and they speculate about what they'll find. A trombone slides a slow scale, and Kirk notes they're slowing down. The door opens to reveal...a woman! In gold thigh-high fuck-me boots! And a short dress! Kirk boggles! Okay, dudes? It was a similarly-clad chick who knocked out the bridge and burgled Spock's brain, so why are we acting surprised? The Solid Gold chick starts to press a button on her watch, but Kirk phasers her in a green aura. She falls down in that picturesque way people always fall down in these shows: with one knee bent across the other leg, and one arm thrown dramatically out to cushion the head as they lie on their side. Bones brings her around for questioning as Kirk checks the corridors. "You do not belong here, you are not Morg!" Solid Gold chirps. "Take me to the one in charge, I want to speak to him," Kirk orders. How pathetically sexist for him to think that these women have a man in charge of them. Even more pathetic is that once we learn Spock's brain is in charge, it ends up being true. "Him? What is him?" Solid Gold wonders. Kirk wants to know where Spock's brain is. Solid Gold simpers, "You are not Morg or Eymorg. I know nothing about a brain." Ain't that the truth, though? Bones says there's no change in readings, so she really and truly doesn’t know. What? They can do polygraphs? Since when? Kirk thrusts the girl away from him and tells Scotty to see what he can pick up on his communicator. Kirk tells Solid Gold that they don't want to hurt her and asks, "What is this place?" "This place is here," Solid Gold says, gesturing. Oh, dear, it's going to be one of those conversations, isn't it? After Kirk's next bark, Solid Gold says, "I am Luma. I am Eymorg. You are not Eymorg, you are not Morg -- what are you?" Kirk is about to respond, but Bones tells him not to bother since she has the mind of a child. I know children smarter than this. Hell, I know cats smarter than this. Scotty picks something up on his communicator, but can't quite get a fix on it. Solid Gold tries to run, but Bones stops her. Kirk listens to Scotty's communicator. Spock's voice comes through, saying, "Fascinating, activity without end but with no volition." Kirk asks the voice if it's Spock. "Captain? Captain Kirk?" the comm asks. "Yes, yeeees, Spock," Kirk croons, going to stand in front of Remote Control Spock. Spock's brain -- for that's what it is -- tells him there's a definite pleasure connected in hearing his voice. Bones asks Spock's brain where he is. "Is that you, Dr. McCoy? And are you with the Captain?" Note that he doesn't say he connects pleasure with hearing Bones's voice? He's still repressing. Bones grumps, "Well, where else would I be?" Seriously, Spock's brain doesn't seem all that intelligent. "Mr. Spock, where are ye!?" Scotty demands. "Engineer Scott as well. Unfortunately I do not know where I am." Kirk smiles that they will find the brain. "A practical idea, Captain, it seems unlikely that I shall be able to get to you." They head off with Scotty directing Remote Control Spock. Down the corridor they see the Deep Purple from the Bridge. Before Kirk can do much more than posture at her, she hits her watch. BO-I-I-ING! And they all fall down. Well, Remote Control Spock and Solid Gold don't, but that's because they're brainless.

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Star Trek

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