Star Trek
Star Trek, The Original Series: “Spock’s Brain”

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A No-Brainer
Finally, Kirk says he wants to speak to whoever is in charge. Deep Purple doesn't comprehend and says that she "is Leader." The men argue why that's impossible, asking about doctors and machine builders and Zamboni drivers. "Who controls this complex?" Kirk asks. My money's on Hugh Hefner. "Controls?" Deep Purple repeats. "Controller?" Yes, Kirk wants to meet the controller who controls. He wants to meet him. Deep Purple flatly refuses, saying only the FM Boot Brigade is allowed near the controller. Kirk promises they won't hurt the controller. "We just want to talk to somebody about Spock's brain!" Bones pleads. Deep Purple loses her temper: "Brain and brain! What is brain?" She even stamps her foot. And there was spawned that most quotable line which definitely rates a nice, old piece of Taleggio. Kirk makes the connection that the controller is Spock's brain and says, waving a hand, "Spock's brain...controls." 'That's not possible," Bones says, as Scotty lets out an odd exhalation of breath: "Arhhhh." So basically, Spock's the FM Boots Brigade's pimp. Kirk falls on his knees -- arms raised up -- in front of Deep Purple and says, "Great Leader!" He tries to convince her that they come in peace to talk with the Controller. Deep Purple doesn't believe him, since he said earlier that he wanted to take Spock's brain back. Kirk begs. Solid Gold tells Deep Purple not to take them. "They will be prevented," Deep Purple says, and pushes a button on her watch. Bones and Scotty grab the Great Hernia Belt of Pain and fall down. It takes much longer for Kirk to fall down because he has the task of staggering around the room, arching his back, and clawing at the air to complete first. Even when he's on the ground he doesn't stop. Instead he rolls over and over on the floor and then humps it like an inchworm. Deep Purple leaves with her FM Boot Brigade, saying that she knows what to do. Remote Control Spock just sits there. Enterprise. Sulu's log brings us up to date with what we already know, and shows Chekov and his men still warming their hands over that glowing rock. Kirk, Bones, and Scotty finally haul themselves off the floor and comment about how much pain they were just put through. They can't remove the Great Hernia Belts of Acid Reflux, and realize why the men of the planet are so scared of the FM Boot Brigade. They wonder how the FM Boot Brigade has enough brain cells to rub together between them to create such a complex underground system. Kirk keeps eyeing their communicators that are being guarded by the guards. Scotty reminds them that Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit mentioned "pain and delight." "I'm sure you noticed the delight aspect of this place," Bones says. "Yes, I certainly did notice those delightful aspects, but that too was strictly under the command of the women," Kirk says. I should certainly hope their own asses are under their control! Again, they try to figure out what Spock's brain has to do with the price of self-sealing stembolts on Delorius III. After some vaudeville-esque dialogue, Bones, Kirk, and Scotty beat up their two guards. Remote Control Spock just sits there. Fisticuffs.

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Star Trek

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