Star Trek
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
What does Kirk need with a toupee?
Scotty, always the sharp knife in the block, sees his captain being led away and thinks how to change the laws of physics. In the ship's brig, Kirk lets Spock have it, telling him he's betrayed the ship. "Worse than that, I've betrayed you," Spock says sorrowfully. "I do not expect you to forgive me." "Forgive you?" Kirk says, warming up to his over-acting. "I oughta knock you on your Goddamned ass!" Spock, willing to oblige, says, "If you think it would help." Bones offers to hold Spock for him. Anyway, there's some pointless back-and-forth about Spock disobeying his orders before it comes out that Sybok is Spock's half-brother and therefore Spock couldn't harm a hair on his laughing Vulcan head. I'm just so surprised at that turn of events that you could have skewered me with Poseidon's Trite-ton. Bones supports Spock's disinclination toward fratricide and tells Kirk to get a grip because they need to find a way out of there. On the bridge, the landing party -- including a de-feathered Uhura and Sulu -- enters the bridge. Cpt. Vronsky tells them he was beginning to "vorry," and asks for the real captain. Uhura tells him that Sybok "will explain everything" as Sulu alters their course to meet Sybok's specifications. Have you had your brainwash today? Chekov gets his panties in a bunch and tells Sulu he has no authority to alter their course. Sybok steps on the bridge and tells Chekov that it must be his choice. Sulu tells Chekov that he's got "to listen to this man." Sybok pulls the whole "you've got a secret pain, please share it with me" shtick and behold, Chekov is delivered unto him. Kirk musters a few futile attempts at escape -- the only satisfying bit is seeing him getting shocked by grabbing at some of the ship's innards -- before learning from Spock that this new brig is "escape-proof." Kirk asks Spock how he came by this information (it's his ship, and he doesn't even know this?), so Spock tells him that the brig was tested using "the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find." Drink two for the ubiquitous "pointy ears" joke here from Kirk. On the bridge, the newly-delivered Chekov barks orders at the crew. Sybok takes a moment to get evangelical on the rest of the crew by way of the ship's intercom. It's only after Sybok tells the crew that he knows the existence of "Shakari" that we go back to the brig and witness Spock saying, "Is it possible that he found Shakari, the reason Sybok left Vulcan?" Sybok goes on, saying that the planet of Shakari lies "beyond the Great Barrier at the center of the galaxy." I guess it makes sense that that's where they'd find the place. I mean, you never hear that Valhalla or Nirvana is in some out-of-the-way corner two shades to the left of something. And of course, like St. Peter or Cerberus, you have to overcome some obstruction in order to get through. I'm so deep. Predictably, Kirk has to whisper, "The center of the galaxy?" in horror, and Spock tells him that's where Shakari is fabled to exist. Kirk tells the rest of us earthbound humans that the center of the galaxy can't be reached, because no ship has gone into the Great Barrier and no probe has ever returned. A muffled scream comes from the couch. Mathra is shredding the edge of a cushion with his teeth. "Do I have to say again how NOT canon this movie is?" he asks our black and white cat. "In his own series, in Star Trek: THE ORIGINAL SERIES, Kirk pilots the Enterprise into something they call the Great Barrier several times, and they clearly say it's located on the rim of the galaxy!" Anyway, Spock makes a passing comment that Sybok was the smartest individual he ever met. Kirk angrily turns on Spock and tells him he only cares about taking back control of the ship (yeah, he's just mad that he found out he's not the smartest man Spock knows), and that either Spock's on his side or he isn't. "I am here, Captain," Spock says obviously. Kirk tells him, "That's a little vague, Spock." And then the tapping begins. Spock says he believes it "is a primitive form of communication known as Morse Code." Kirk draws out the licorice whip of suspense and beats us over the head with it as he spells out "S-T-A-N-D B-A-C-K" laboriously and belatedly as Scotty comes blasting through the wall, screaming, "What're ye standin' arrround forrr -- dunna you know a jail brrreak when you see one?"

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