Star Trek
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
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What does Kirk need with a toupee?
To their consternation, Sybok, Michael Stipe With No Teeth, and some Dust Mite Minions catch up with the Three Amigos just as they try to exit the fore'ard observation booth. The evangelical Vulcan says, "I trust your message was received." See, I told you they wouldn't be able to send without detection. They should've caught on when their message wasn't scrambled or blocked. Kirk tells Sybok that he can't expect them to twiddle their thumbs while he pilots them into the Great Barrier. Sybok preaches about fearing the unknown, drawing from historical references ("The people of your planet once believed the world was flat, Columbus proved it was round" -- um, try Magellan, o Vulcan Of Superior Intellect), scientific proofs, blah blah blah. Sybok asks if Kirk is afraid to hear him out. "I'm afraid of nothing," Kirk says. Except for aging gracefully. Sybok orders Michael Stipe With No Teeth and the Dust Mites to wait outside. Here we go with the secret-pain crap. In sick bay, Scotty comes to and accuses Uhura of being brainwashed. While stroking Scotty's face, Uhura explains that Sybok put them in touch with the feelings they've never had the courage to express. "There are so many things I want to tell you," Uhura says in a throbbing voice. Scotty says, "Maybe you can wait till I'm a wee bit stronger. I dunna think I could handle it in me present condition," he touches Uhura's perspiring face, "or yours!" More sermonizing on the mount by Sybok about Heaven, Eden (I notice he doesn't break into song, "Headin' on to Eden, yeah, brother"), the birthplace of all creatures great and small...you get the general nutty drift. Kirk protests the mind control that Sybok wields over the members of his crew. Sybok says he doesn't control them; he relieves their Secret Pain and makes them draw strength from it. Bones opines, "Sounds like brainwashing to me," and Sybok tells him his pain is the deepest. He shows Bones his Secret Pain in a little tableau visible to the Three Blind Mice, Sybok, and the tape-viewing public. As he was dying a painful death, Bones's father asked his son to relieve him of his suffering. After wrestling with his conscience, Bones takes his father off of life support. Turns out, not long after this euthanasia, the great medical minds of the time found a cure for his father's incurable disease. "A goddamned cure!" Bones shouts. Sybok grabs Bones and orders him to release his guilt, pain, and anger. "Release it!" Sybok shouts. It's very melodramatic.

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Star Trek

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