Star Trek
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
What does Kirk need with a toupee?
Outside, the Laughing Vulcan and Michael Stipe With No Teeth have seemingly raised an army from the other dust nomads, and they all "hup two three" to Paradise City, singing, "Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me ho-oome." Okay, no, but it would have been very funny if they had been singing that. Apparently, the three of them have gathered to discuss the problems on the Planet of Galactic Peace, primarily that there is no peace on the planet. Caithlin Dar expositions for us that, twenty years ago, the three races founded Nimbus III together: "A new age was born," she says in the soothing tones of my yoga instructor, turning and smiling at her fellow ambassadors in turn. Maybe if they'd invented her race, much like they seem to have invented most of the facts in this movie, I'd find Caithlin Dar believable, but Romulans, soothing and smiling and acting peaceful? Not on your class M planet. "Our 'new age' died a quick death," Sinjun sneers through his greasy mop of hair, "and the settlers they conned into coming here -- they were the dregs of the galaxy -- immediately began fighting amongst themselves. We forbade them weapons, they soon began to fashion their own." Caithlin Dar, calm unruffled, smiles again and says, "Then it seems I've arrived just in time." Yes, because we all know the Romulans to be the distributors of peace to the galaxy. The Klingon must share my thoughts, because he looks puzzled -- either that, or the Saurian brandy isn't sitting well with him. A metallic alarm starts to grind outside, and "people" start to run around. The three ambassadors step outside to see Paradise City under attack by the Dust Mite army. Gotta love that the gate to Paradise City actually says "Paradise" in English, as though that would be the common language on that planet. Let's just nurse the overweening delusion that English would be the dominant language of the 23rd century, shall we? The Laughing Vulcan rides a horse among his Dust Mite army, and the three ambassadors find a clue in the sand and run back inside for cover. Sinjun and Cathlin Dar access a communicator screen and power it up while the Klingon salvages some bottles from the bar. I like a Klingon who has his priorities in order. Michael Stipe With No Teeth shouts, "Get away from that transmitter!" and a few Dust Mites stupidly try to attack the hulking Klingon while he's drinking, only to find themselves in deep conversation with the wall. Ever try to take a cat's bowl away from her while she's eating? It's kind of the same reaction. The Laughing Vulcan strides in and tells the three ambassadors to consider themselves his captives. Sinjun Hamlets that they're already prisoners "on this worthless lump of rock," and asks what their value would be to him. The Laughing Vulcan says that Nimbus III may be worthless, but "it does have one unique treasure. It's the only place in the galaxy that has the three of you." Cathlin Dar says that she doesn't know who he is or what he wants, but their governments would stop at nothing to ensure their safety. I'm betting that's pretty much what the Laughing Vulcan was counting on. Sure enough, the Laughing Vulcan says, "That's exactly what I'm counting on." Maybe I should be the Romulan ambassador to the Federation and Caithlin Dar should write the recaps.

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