Star Trek
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
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What does Kirk need with a toupee?
Kirk decides that it's time to go to bed. In their sleeping bags, Spock tells Kirk that "life is not a dream." "Go to sleep, Spock," Kirk says. "Yes, Captain," Spock says. "Good night, Bones," "good night, Jim," "good night, Spock," "good night, Doctor," "good night, Spock," "good night, Jim," "good night, John Boy," "good night, Mary Ellen," and peace settles on Walton Mountain. Some probe spins around in space, and a Klingon Bird of Prey decloaks and blasts it away. Really pathetic special effects. The Klingon captain gripes that shooting space trash isn't any sort of challenge for a Klingon warrior. Just as he says (in subtitles, because he and his first officer are speaking Klingon) that he needs a target that fights back, his first officer picks up the news of the hostages on Nimbus III. Once the Klingon captain is told the races of all the hostages, he says that the Federation will be sending a rescue ship of its own, and that he's always wanted to engage a Federation ship in battle. He orders his first officer to plot a course for Nimbus III. A shuttlecraft wakes Kirk, Bones, and Spock from their gaseous slumbers, and Uhura steps out. Apparently, the transporter is "non-operational." Not to worry -- I'm sure it'll be fixed in the nick of time when they have to get out of a dangerous situation. Uhura tells them about the important orders from Starfleet command. Kirk asks why she didn't beep his communicator. "You forgot to take it with you," Uhura says, handing it over. "Oh, wonder why I did that," Kirk mutters, and tells his companions that shore leave has been cancelled. The shuttlecraft zooms out of Yosemite and comes into view of the Enterprise, and Kirk says, "'All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.'" Bones says, "Melville," but Spock corrects him, saying, "John Masefield." Bones looks annoyed and says, "Are you sure about that?" Spock shrugs him off with, "I am well versed in the classics, Doctor," but Bones gets the last dig by saying, "Then how come you don't know 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'?" Spock sighs in -- could it be -- exasperation? The shuttle docks successfully. Once on the chaotic and virtually non-functioning bridge, Kirk asks for a little quiet as he takes off his manly lumberjack shirt and puts on part of his uniform. All I can think about is the fact that he told Spock in the turbolift that he needed a shower, and now he's putting on his clean uniform to let it soak up his whisky sweat and campfire smoke stank. Kirk receives orders from someone at Starfleet Command named Bob to go rescue the ambassadors on Nimbus III. Kirk tells him the Enterprise is in no shape to make the journey, but Bob insists that while there might be other ships in the quadrant, he needs "Jim Kirk" to command this mission. Okay, so get him another ship, Admiral Dumbass. I know they can do that -- they've done it before. This whole James-T.-Kirk-surviving-nay-beating-the-odds-as-they-are-stacked-against-him-with-a-less-than-stellar-ship storyline is contrived and completely implausible. But seeing that Shatner wrote, directed, and starred in this travesty, maybe it's not so implausible. Admiral Dumbass confirms that the Klingons have been notified of the situation and that they'll be showing up to party soon. Kirk gives a short, non-inspirational, non-heroic speech to the crew, and Bones tells him he thinks this trip is a stupid idea. After some more pointless dialogue with Bones and Scotty about beating the Klingons (beating them to what, exactly, I don't know, since I wasn't aware this was a race: "Last one to Nimbus III's a turkey loaf!"), Kirk settles into his captain's seat, grousing that he misses his old chair. Spock gives him a look of sympathy.

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