Episode Report CardKeckler: F | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
In a shuttlecraft, Spock whispers landing suggestions; Kirk agrees in a whisper. Here's a question -- why are they whispering? It's not like the people on the planet are going to overhear them. Meanwhile, the Laughing Vulcan receives a transmission from Enterprise. Let's pause here -- did you ever see a television show or movie where, when someone spins around in a swivel chair to reveal their identity, they aren't planning some sort of subterfuge? Well, Chekov spins around in the captain's chair and announces himself as captain of the Enterprise. See? Told you. It should be noted for future reference that if someone spins around to face you, you're in for a surprise. Cpt. Uncle Vanya tells the Laughing Vulcan that he's in "wiolation" of the neutral zone, and orders him to release the hostages or else. The Laughing Vulcan tells Cpt. The Seagull that his threats amuse him (although he's not amused enough to laugh, I note). The sneak attack readies itself by landing the shuttlecraft and getting out. Cpt. The Cherry Orchard tells the Laughing Vulcan that a Klingon "varship" is on it's "vay," and they'll be angry enough to destroy the planet. The Laughing Vulcan says that he's lucky the Enterprise is there to protect him (ah, he's got you there, Cpt. Three Sisters) and demands that he and his first officer beam down. Cpt. Anton Pavolich keeps stalling for time. On an unrealistic sandy knoll, Spock and Kirk discuss their attack. Kirk spots rebels with horses and is inspired to action, saying, "But we'll have to get their attention." They "get their attention" by making Uhura dress up in feathers (and very little else), stand in front of two moons (or planets -- I'm not an astronomer), and gyrate to some unknown source of music. Affected by this siren song, the unsuspecting rebel guards draw close to Uhura's plumage. To my intense delight, one of them even mutters, "Is she nekkid or what?" Closer, closer they draw until Uhura says, "Hello boys. I've always wanted to play to a captive audience," and right on cue (literally and cliché-ly), a few of the landing party jump out with real weapons (and by "real," I mean "not metal tubes filled with pebbles"). "Oh, damn," says one of the rebel guards in a true Tennessee accent. The rescue party rides the horses into Paradise City, and Kirk says, "Spock, be one with the horse!" "Yes, Captain," Spock says. And it comes off that flat. Michael Stipe With No Teeth, known more for his capacious gums than his brains, orders the gates to be opened to let in their "lookout party." Kirk shouts, "Federation soldiers behind us -- close the gates!" Michael Stipe With No Teeth and his cohorts ready their metal tubes with pebbles. Spock hides a tricorder as he scans for life forms in the area. By now, Michael Stipe With No Teeth is suspicious, and, mistakenly thinking there's a twelve-hour sale at the Chevy dealership, fires up a searchlight. He trains it on Spock and Kirk, revealing their identities. A fight ensues. But it's a humane fight, because Kirk ordered the phasers set on "stun" only. I guess no one told that to the rebels, as one discharges an Uzi at Sulu that is pretty clearly not set on "stun."